Last night marked the end of our Christmas break - back to school and work today. The backpacks were packed the kids showered and asleep at a normal time. We were reading in bed and I was suddenly so tired. I was the first to close my book and my eyes and had a moment of panic as I snuggled in. When I initially crawled into bed I was looking forward to sex - but now all I wanted was sleep - even so I would not have refused any advances. The internal struggle did not keep me from sleeping - and neither did my husband - I woke up very rested and at the same time somewhat disappointed. I didn't directly break my resolution but I feel like in some small way I failed the intent. The intent is to build a stronger marriage through more intimacy, and initiating sex as well as not denying sex are both parts of that.
Here is what I realized this morning, I wanted sex last night - but I didn't initiate and then I was too tired. I need to work on this. When I crawl into bed 'in the mood' I need to act on it. And if I am in the mood and not already in bed I need to figure that out as well. Baby steps here...
I also realize that after 21 years of marriage and a routine of when I am open for intimacy and when I am not it will take some time for my husband to realize that I am tossing those unwritten rules out. I need to work to make him understand this. I still don't want to come right out with my resolution - but I need to discuss with him that I am working on redefining the intimacy in our marriage.
Surprised me. So glad to hear you decide to make you initiating part of the experience for the year. It is more important to us men than women realize. We too want to be desired, wanted, needed, lusted after and pursued, especially when we get older. As our testosterone to estrogen balance changes we bocome for feminine. The same thing happens to older women in the opposite direction. It is usually sublte and mostly emotional in effect, but it does happen.
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