Friday, June 29, 2012


I am smiling because my husband and I are back on track after some work and other life related  things kept getting in the way.  But I am also smiling because a year ago this sort of break from intimacy would have come with lots of little annoyances, crankiness and passive aggressive behaviors.

It had been more than a week, and it wasn't just lack of sex, it was lack of any time together at all.  And then there was the pure exhaustion on top of it.

Here is what has me smiling, I headed off to bed at 7:30, felt the youngest crawl into with me at some point - then the 10 year old.  I heard my husband pick them up and move them to their bed and the next thing I know it is 6:30 am.  He let me sleep, he could have and he really should have woken me up.  I know that he wanted to - but he took into account how much I have been working and how tired I was and he let me sleep.

Why?  He loves me and he is probably worried about my lack of sleep.  As much as he wants sex he would rather it be with a person that was playing along and not asleep.  He knows that this dry spell is not something that is going to become a habit.  He went to bed knowing that he would be able to roll over in the morning to a refreshed wife who would not deny him.

Those are at least the reasons that I am going to attribute to his thought process.  Those are the reasons that have me smiling.  They are all good reasons and they all make me really happy that I have made the decision to never reject his advances - because his advances aren't always about him.  Because he is not denied by me he considers ME before he makes advances.  That is what partnership is about.

We head off for the beach tomorrow - and I hope that we have lots of opportunities to make up for lost time!

By the way - baseball officially ended with a win for my son's team (the one my husband coaches) - they brought home the regional championship trophy!


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Today is back on track day

After the longest dry spell in recent history I am calling today back on track day.  I have very few meetings today so I can get a lot done - my son has his last baseball game of the season so we will have a nice family outing.  And my husband is currently grumbling as he has his head under the kitchen sink trying to fix a leak.  I think it has been 2 trips to the hardware store so far - so I am guessing he will need some reward for taking on this not so fun task!  Yikes - he just came down and grabbed his phone - he is calling for back up.

I am taking the night off  - chilling some sort of adult beverage before heading to baseball and going to bed with my husband tonight.  Sucks that I have to make an effort to schedule this - but with work as busy as it is  I really have to make sure I put the time aside.

Have a good one!

Sunday, June 24, 2012

They thought it was Menopause...

This weekend we celebrated my youngest son's 8th birthday.  This kid is quite the character, he is funny, smart, sneaky, compassionate, competitive and he really makes our family complete.  He is the kid that wasn't supposed to be.

My husband and I had always planned 4 kids.  Two early on in our marriage and then two after my husband finished graduate school.  Our plan was working out perfectly and then we discovered I had cancer.  I had 3 children, a 9 year old, a 7 year old and a 4 month old when I started chemotherapy.  As the doctors went over the side effects of chemo they told me I wouldn't be able to have any more children.  I was perfectly fine with that, at that point I was focused on sticking around to parent the 3 I already had.

So I had 5 cycles of chemo and 24 radiation treatments and as of June 13th, 2003 I was cancer free and on disability to let my body heal.  The tests showed that I was in early menopause - despite that my husband and I still used birth control as a back up.

At one of my follow up visits I remember discussing with the doctor the fact that this early menopause felt more like pregnancy.  Ended up I was right.  Frankly I was very worried, my body was beat up and I wasn't that healthy.  I was concerned about how my very recent treatments would impact the baby and my ability to carry a child to full term.

My doctors were very supportive and assured me that there was nothing medically that would prevent a healthy pregnancy and baby.  In fact I became a rock star at the office.  These doctors deal with death and dying on a daily basis.  Here I was a stage 3 cancer survivor just a few months out of treatment and I was pregnant.  They showed me off as a sign of hope to others and enjoyed playing obstetrician - guessing at the baby's position, trying to hear the heart beat and just enjoying life that was growing and not one that was ending or struggling.  

My healthy son was born on June 23rd, 2004, 1 year and 10 days after my last treatment.  The child that I wasn't supposed to have, he defied menopause and birth control to make our family complete!

Friday, June 22, 2012

I've never been able to juggle.

Starting to feel a bit like I am neglecting my husband.  It has been 4 days and while I know for some people that is the norm it is just not really acceptable.  It isn't just the sex it is sleeping together as well.  I will go to bed with my husband tonight, there is nothing that I can do about the last few days.  I am going to try to get an afternoon nap in so that I am a little fresh this evening.

I have 4 things that I need to get done before I can relax on the vacation we are scheduled to take starting in a week.  These 4 things are on top of my normal management duties at work - so generally I am in a manager role during the work day and have to get my actual work done at night.  I slept for 2 hours on Sunday night, 3 hours on Wednesday and 2 hours last night.  The good news is I think I will actually finish by Tuesday of next week!

Right now I am not doing a great job of balancing everyone's needs - but at least I am aware and can take some steps.  One reason for the extra work during the night hours this week is that my 10 year old had baseball games 4 nights this week as part of an end of year tournament.  I never miss my kid's games, so that took 3 to 4 hours away from time I could have been working (and then heading to bed at a reasonable hour).  I think it is worth the trade off.  I also know that my husband realizes how much I love watching the kids play and supporting their teams, so he gets the choice I make there as well.


Wednesday, June 20, 2012

A meeting and some bragging!

My oldest daughter is taking the two younger kids to an amusement park today.  My oldest son took a road trip to NY to see a baseball game.  That leaves me and the hubby home alone all day.  I do have a full work day - but only 4 meetings so I think we can squeeze in a little nap w/some quality time in there, in fact I am going to schedule a meeting for myself on my work calendar so that I am not interrupted during this time.

So now for the bragging.  My daughter plays lacrosse - she is a goalie.  We found out yesterday that she was named a 2012 Academic All American by US Lacrosse!  We are very proud of her hard work on and off the lacrosse field!


Monday, June 18, 2012

Broken Record...

Tired, overworked, undersexed.  Ugh.  There is an end in sight - August 1st I take a new position within my company and it should help me keep more normal hours.

My daughter had a lacrosse tournament in Pennsylvania this weekend, she played 4 games and we stayed with my sister.  My husband stayed home and took my 10 year old to baseball.

I got home in time to play softball on Sunday night and worked until 5:00 am.  I was back up by 7:30.  I am exhausted now but have to stay awake for another hour for a meeting before I can crash and burn.

There has been no sex since Thursday - so today is day 4.  I think even as tired as I am I will rally for sex tonight.

The kids and husband are done school for the summer - so my work space has been invaded by 4 kids and my husband.  This should lead to some afternoon opportunities that I look forward to - I wonder if we are talented enough for hammock sex.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Good use of an empty house

We had 2 hours alone last night and we did use them wisely.  It is nice to be able to relax, make noise and not worry about kids walking in!  It was much needed.  Although I feel like I am still lacking serious BJ skills I did get in some practice last night.


I also need to thank Ponyboy for naming me as one of his choices for Kreativ Bloggers.  See his post here Award of the 7

In keeping with the rules I am to answer some questions about myself, give you 7 interesting facts about me and the pass on my selections for Kreativ Blogger.

7 Questions:

1.) What is your favorite song?

I'm Gonna Be by the Proclaimers.  Love rocking out to this one.

2.) What is your favourite dessert?

Tiramisu. Yum!

3.) What do you do when you're upset?

Depends on whether I am hurt or angry.  If I am hurt I cry and tend to separate myself from the situation or person.  If I am angry I yell, a lot, and LOUD.  If I am really angry I will slam doors and might even throw something (not at a person - just in general).  Not really proud of that - but it is what it is.

4.) Which is your favourite pet?

I didn't have pets growing up and don't connect with most animals, this really makes me feel bad sometimes.  I want to be one of those people but I'm not.  I love my animals but you aren't going to find me cuddling up with them.  I think right now my favorite pets are the hens that we keep. 

5.) White bread or whole meal?

I love bread of all shapes and sizes - my first choice taste wise is potato bread! 

6.) What's your biggest fear?

While I could just say losing a child in general, which of course would come with pain and grief I cannot even begin to imagine, the biggest fear I have is losing a child to disease.  I can't imagine having to make medical decisions  that result in putting my child through painful treatments and having to make end of life decisions for them.  Seeing one of my children suffer and not being able to help is my biggest fear.

7.) What's your attitude most of the time?

I have a get over it, count your blessings and enjoy life attitude. 

7 Fun Facts About Me:

1.) I am terribly obnoxious - usually to be funny and make people laugh.
2.) It is very hard to offend me - but I have no tolerance for bullies or mean people.
3.) I hate running but I sign up for races, triathlons, marathons, 1/2 marathons so that I will stay in shape by training.  Then I put off training and end up going out there with no training at all.
4.) I cannot allow myself to read unless I am on vacation.  Once I pick up a book I can't do anything but read until it is done.  I love to read - but am not disciplined enough to do it in small doses.  
5.) I love stupid reality television.  I don't watch much tv, but I work at home and if I am not in a meeting I generally have the tv on with some mindless reality show keeping me company.
6.) I graduated from college as the top computer science graduate in my class and after 19 years in the business I am now barely able to solve the most minor issues.  My programming skills are now totally outdated.
7.) Today marks the 9th anniversary of my last radiation treatment!  9 years of life post cancer...

7 Bloggers I'm Passing This Award On To:

I am new to the world of blogging and many of my favorites have already been granted the award.  These are the blogs I check out on a daily basis - as I am blogging in secret about a resolution to never deny my husbands sexual advances I tend to read blogs by men about their relationships with their spouses, some of them that get sex and some that unfortunately don't.  I learn a lot from these guys and the male point of view.

I don't expect any of them to feel the need to participate but wanted to pass on the links as readers of my blog may find them interesting.

Marriage in the Bedroom  >> Ponyboy's - might be cheating because he awarded this to me - but I check in often and really enjoy his take on things.

Average Married Guy Losing Beta for More Sex  >> Just started following this Average Married Guy recently.

The Red Pill Room >> I don't always agree with Ian but he is always has something interesting to say and the food for thought is always good to keep me on my toes.

Taking Back the Reins >> CantBeJustMe was one of the first to comment on my blog and give me a shout out on his blog.  I am really rooting for him.  His posts are not as frequent as others but he is living life and taking positive steps in his life.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Pay Backs

So without going into a lot of detail can I just say that my husband has been very good to me the last two nights.  The sex has been very me focused.  I am going to have to make sure that I return the favor tonight.  He is napping next to me right now so I know he will be rested.  I will likely be working but will make sure to take some time off.  We may have the house to ourselves which will be even better.  My daughter is thinking about taking the little guys to the movies and my oldest is going out with friends.

If I didn't have to work tonight I would have a few glasses of wine first - I have been in the mood for some tipsy sex lately.  I need to unwind after all this work I have been doing, even my computer thinks I am working too hard.  The hard drive crashed at 8:30 Friday night - it is still with tech support and at this point I am hoping they can save some of the data.

Really what I should be doing is working really hard now so that I can drink some wine later.  Yep - that is the new plan.  Get a few things done so I can relax later!

Back to work!


Tuesday, June 5, 2012

I'm Back!

So I was away for a while - I'm still crazy busy and it is almost 1:00 I figure it won't hurt to take a few more minutes to do a quick update before I head upstairs and hopefully wake my husband.   May was a slow month for us.  I really do think that work sucked all the desire out of me.  That is something I need to be better about - the balance of work and home.  That can be very hard when you work at home.  Unfortunately my job can be very demanding at times and for the last few weeks I have had to sacrifice sleep and other bed time activities for work.

I have always known that being tired prevents intimacy - I can see now that I lumped other things in with that.  Stress from work definitely prevents intimacy.  Being busy at work leads to a messy house as I don't have time to clean - a messy house stresses me out further which prevents intimacy.  I can't always get rid of the work stress - but I can communicate to my husband about the messy house and how that is impacting him.

Overall we are down % wise having sex on 46% of days in 2012.  I think that June will be much better as baseball, lacrosse and school are coming to an end.  We have vacation and lots of time to spend together.  I am also determined to get the focus back where it needs to be on my husband, myself and my marriage.

I had quite a busy weekend - traveled to West Virginia for the graduation of a good friend's son.  He graduated on Saturday and played in the state baseball championship on Sunday.  They won - it was very exciting.  My son was on the team last year and there is a small part of my heart that breaks for him that this comes 1 year too late for him.  He was so supportive of his former team and that makes me proud but I know that there is a part of him that is sad for what they missed out on last year.

My daughter ended her lacrosse season last week but yesterday was notified that she made 1st team all district and second team all region.  We are so proud of her.