Saturday, January 21, 2012

More analysis = less sex?

I am absolutely amazed at where I am on day 21.  This resolution has increased my sex drive - that is for sure.  I think about it way more than I used to - I look forward to it way more than I used to.  It is fun to anticipate it.

Now - here is the problem - 21 days in and I am seriously disappointed in what I have found.  I had been too busy, or tired to notice.  We are making no effort.  Yes WE.  My latest 'aha' moment - when I want sex I will sit and wait for my husband to make the move.  If he doesn't I feel rejected.  This is just crazy - how is he supposed to read my mind.  I love my husband but he is one of those people that needs to be reminded of everything - yet when it comes to sex I expect him to know.  That is just signing us both up for failure and frustration.

So I thought just by saying I won't ever refuse would mean an instant increase in our intimacy - and I am afraid that isn't true.

On day 21 I am updating my resolution - not only will I never refuse my husband's advances - I will not refuse my own desires.  As I have mentioned this is really not easy for me.  I can count on 1 hand the number of times that I have done this.  This part of the resolution will be much harder for me.


  1. What a fantatic learning process so far. Anticipation is just extended foreplay. Of course more analysis doesn't mean less sex. Your analysis pointed to the fact that you were ignoring, strike that, denying your needs and desires because you were still uncomfortable with initiating.

    All of the reading I have been doing confirms what you found. Doing more sex raised your libido and created a desire for even more sex. It saddens me to think of how much sex, no hearts and flowers here for a moment, has been and will be missed because the person with desire will fail to initiate for any number of reasons. In this case it is the wife, but not always. In a previous comment, I said to reach over, squeeze and massage it and see if you can't get the desired result. Nobody has to read your mind then for sure. But why isn't the big guy picking up on your cues. A) Are you sending any out? B) Are they mostly visual and very obvious? C) Are they the usual cues? D) Where is his focus.

    We are goal oriented and narrow-focused. When we fix on a task we become very tunnel visioned. We will not necessarily pick up on the cues and certainly not read your mind anymore than you will ours, so don't feel rejected. We just screw up because we lack the inherent awareness women have of the emotional aura in a given space. How many times have you seen that perplexed look and heard the puzzled expression, "What?! What did I do...say?" Over our heads. Missed it.

    Game. Sports page. Yard work. Automotive care. Golf plans. Whatever it is, one task, one focus. How may times have you said, "Did you hear what I said? or "Did you see that?" If we are highly involved in anything, we will be aware of little else around us. "You're supposed to be watching the kids. Where are they?" "UHH.? I rest my case. We will likely miss your signals and be very regretful later when we know what we missed. Somtimes you just have to be more direct. Grab on, hang on and ask, "When would be convenient for you?" If not that very moment, he will come up with a time in the VERY near future, hopefully not half-time. As a woman I would have to renegotiate that, if I could even stay in the mood after that answer.

    1. My husband believes that having sex during a game brings his team luck. Sundays early in our marriage were spent naked on the living room floor watching football and eating snacks. When one of his teams was losing it was time to send some luck their way. If everyone was winning it was just a way to celebrate. We have at least 10 more years until the kids are out of the house - then it will be back to naked Sunday again.