Still Working

It's 3:30 am Tuesday morning.  I am still up working - hopefully only for about another hour.  I have already worked 23 hours this week - I don't see a slow down in sight.

I am still going to make an effort when I crawl into bed.

More positive change

Just a quick update about another positive change.  I mentioned in an earlier post that I hoped that nights without sex would still involve some form of intimacy.  I am happy to report that on Friday and Sunday we were both really tired by the time we got to bed - so instead of sex we just cuddled up next to each other.  Then on Saturday and Monday morning we were able to wake up together and have sex.

Let the work day begin.

15

Non Stop Weekend

There were practices, pictures, games, ice skating, movies and meets.  No chance for sleeping in or cleaning the house.  No chance to get any work done.  I am sleepy and cranky.  The kids are home from school tomorrow which will mean I get less work done - argh.

I will work until 11:00 and then get up when my husband leaves for work and start work early.

I also need to get back into exercising again.  I have lung issues that flair up in winter so I do a lot less.  I have a half marathon in 4 months so it is time to get moving.  I hope this will help me with my energy level and crankiness as well.

I reread my last post and thought it made me sound like a 'serve my man' kind of wife.  In all honesty I really enjoy taking care of my family - but I am in no way the type to be subservient to my husband.  We are a team.  I have good and bad points and so does he.  We generally still like each other and enjoy our time together.  He has always been very generous to my needs.

I see other blogs and chat groups where intimacy is a big problem in marriage and I just decided to take action that I thought would make life better - and it is working!!!  Will it solve all our problems - probably not - but it will make us stronger in facing them together.

14

The downside

So lots of quality time these days - unfortunately by the time we head to bed it is 11:00.  We are connecting every night - and I am waking up exhausted every morning.  The funny thing is that I am sleeping better - just not as long as I am used to.

Because I work from home I can fit in naps sometimes.  Going to bed early isn't a great option as I am not really comfortable and relaxed until all the kids are asleep.  We can snuggle up earlier but I can't relax for the actual act until everyone is asleep.

The positives - I am no longer stressing about wanting sex and being nervous about initiating.  There is no initiating at all anymore.  This is part of our daily routine again - as it should be.  Not that it is at all routine - the routine is just that there will be sex.  There is no question.

I didn't realize my true motivation for the original resolution.  I thought I was doing this purely for my husband. I know now that I was craving this, that I needed my husband.  I needed to make this a priority.  I am busy, I am tired - but the relationship with my husband in and out of bed has to be my priority.

I am still working constantly, keeping up with the house, paying the bills, taking care of 4 kids, doing volunteer and charity work.  I am working to find the balance as none of the above can be ignored.  I am just glad I realized that my marriage can't be ignored either.

I am in a good place right now and it just makes me giddy that it is 8:54 a.m. and I am already looking forward to crawling in bed with my husband tonight - I hope he is having the same thoughts!

12

Positive Changes

So I think I have seen 3 big changes this week.

Change One >> now that I have mentioned to my husband that I am frustrated by the lack of intimacy and sex so far this year he has stepped up to the challenge and we have connected every night since.  What is great is it doesn't really feel like him initiating and me allowing it.  This is mutual, we both know it is coming and it feels natural.  Plus the added bonus of anticipating.

Change Two >> we don't just roll over and go to sleep.  We ease into sleep.  Lots of touching and  intimacy.

Change Three >> clothes are staying off and when we are ready for sleep we are sharing our bed in a different way.  When we were dating we both had twin beds and we would sleep all wrapped up with each other.  We got married and went to a queen.  For 16 years now we have been in a king - which means that we each have our own space.  For the past few nights - at least for the initial falling asleep we have been right there in a twin size portion of the bed.  By morning we have found our way to opposite sides of the bed - which is fine with me, but I really like the spooning as I fall asleep.

So I am happy with these changes - and interested to see how long our 'streak' goes on.  I can't see this sex as being every night - although I do see the spooning as something we hopefully continue even on nights where there is no sex.

10(2)

Balance

I have more work than I can fit into my work day - and I am struggling to find that balance.  I have work to do tonight - but I am going to close up shop by 11:00 to make sure that I make time for my husband.  I figure I can start the work day early tomorrow - instead of extending it into the night.

I took a few hours off today to drive a friend to her radiation treatment (one of the reasons I have to work late tonight).  She has been fighting colon cancer for 5 years.  She is in her early 30s.  She went undiagnosed for many years because they told her she was too young for a colonoscopy.  Anyone out there that is being told to ignore symptoms because they are not in the right demographic for the disease needs to see a different doctor!  9 years ago I was in the middle of my treatments for Lymphoma - it was 3 years after I first saw a doctor about the pea sized lump I found in my neck before I was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer.  So I am a little off topic here but I just want everyone to recognize that you know your body better than any doctor and you need to push for tests when you think things aren't right.

Good night and good health!

9(2)

Keep your fingers crossed

I went out on a limb - it was really not an easy thing to do - but I was frustrated and that frustration was creeping into the rest of my life.  I told my husband that I wasn't happy with our sex life and that although I at first thought it was mostly on me - I am now convinced it is both of us.

It isn't easy to talk to my husband because he is absolutely not capable of having a conversation where he reveals anything about himself.  He will just sit there and hope the conversation ends and life returns to normal.  He doesn't know how to argue or really express himself at all.  The kicker is that he is a counselor - when he is working he is brilliant - can really reach people and get to the root of a problem.   He absolutely cannot do that in his own life.

Now I knew this when I married him and 95% of the time it doesn't matter - 5% of the time it is really frustrating.  I know this won't change and that is sad - but I also know that it is part of who he is - it is deeply rooted in him from his childhood.  Part of marriage is accepting the other person completely and I accept that.

He promised to try harder at everything - at communication, at the little things I need, and at not getting lazy in our marriage.

I am hopeful that now that we talked (although I did the talking) things will really improve.  I am glad that I found the courage to express myself and my concerns.  I didn't realize how rejected I felt by the lack of intimacy.  Now I need to make sure that I am delivering on my end of the bargain and not keeping things in until they reach a boiling point - I need to express my needs and also be the best wife I can.

8(2)

More analysis = less sex?

I am absolutely amazed at where I am on day 21.  This resolution has increased my sex drive - that is for sure.  I think about it way more than I used to - I look forward to it way more than I used to.  It is fun to anticipate it.

Now - here is the problem - 21 days in and I am seriously disappointed in what I have found.  I had been too busy, or tired to notice.  We are making no effort.  Yes WE.  My latest 'aha' moment - when I want sex I will sit and wait for my husband to make the move.  If he doesn't I feel rejected.  This is just crazy - how is he supposed to read my mind.  I love my husband but he is one of those people that needs to be reminded of everything - yet when it comes to sex I expect him to know.  That is just signing us both up for failure and frustration.

So I thought just by saying I won't ever refuse would mean an instant increase in our intimacy - and I am afraid that isn't true.

On day 21 I am updating my resolution - not only will I never refuse my husband's advances - I will not refuse my own desires.  As I have mentioned this is really not easy for me.  I can count on 1 hand the number of times that I have done this.  This part of the resolution will be much harder for me.

Score One For Me

I did it - I initiated.  Now,this is really laughable because all I had to do is crawl into bed naked - but I did it.  If I had put on pjs or a tank top I would not get to make this claim.  But I made the choice and it was a good one.  I had to work a little late so by the time I got to bed my husband was already asleep.  This always amazes me - how do you go from sleep to ready like that?  It must be a man thing.

Anyway - I crawled into bed, stayed over on my side and his man radar kicked in and he was ready, willing and able within 30 seconds.

And even with my waking him up there was a good deal of snuggle time before we went to sleep.  Unfortunately I am exhausted this morning - but I'll take it.

7 (1)

Busy Weekend

Birthday party, dinner out, wrestling match, lacrosse game, playoff football and finally taking all the Christmas decorations down.  What a weekend - it was a great one that ended as it should with some good quality fun SEX.  Now it is up and back to work as everyone else in my house sleeps in on what is a holiday for them but not for me.

I work from home and usually have the tv on as my constant companion and background noise.  I admit to watching a lot of reality shows that aren't of the highest quality - which is fine because my attention is really on my work and it doesn't take a lot of effort to follow along with these shows.  On one of these fine shows (Kardashians) the long term boyfriend Scott - and Kourtney have a child together - the child sleeps with Kourtney and Scott has his own room.  I believe there are many issues in this relationship and they are 'working on it' but wow - that first step of getting the child out of the bed so they can sleep together is key, even if it isn't leading to sex all the time it is important to have that time together without distractions.  They have two bedrooms, have the child go to sleep in one.  Then the two of them can spend some time together and then join the child in the other bed - or bring the child in with them.  They don't have to stop sleeping with the child all together - they just need to carve out some time for themselves without a child in the bed.

Last night my youngest got scared by a movie, lots of tears and trouble going to sleep.   He wanted to crawl in with us.  I never allow that at the beginning of the night - that is time for me and my husband.  I sent him to sleep with his brother and told him that I would come and get him when I go to bed.  I love to sleep with my kids and make them feel safe and secure -  but only after my husband and I get our time to connect.  So when we did snuggle down for sleep my husband went and got him and we all got a good nights rest.


I really think the laziness that I see all over the place - with my friends, with people on blogs and message boards, in tv shows and movies - is the lack of effort to have a real connection in a relationship.  Not just sex and that might be where women are turned off - it has to be more than sex.  There has to be a safe place to feel secure and open with the other person - a regular time and place without distractions.  My bed at night and on the rare morning where sleeping in together is an option is that place for me.  And now that I have realized it I will work to preserve it.

I wonder statistically how relationships do when there are folks involved that do shift work and don't get the opportunity to spend their nights together.


6

Not Good Enough

So I know from reading other blogs and threads that what I am about to say may have some people smacking their heads but - I am really disappointed at the state of my sex life so far in 2012.  It is the 13th and we have had sex 5 times, now again I know that is still a pretty good average but remember that by the morning of the 2nd we had already had sex 3 times - so that means only 2 times in 11 days.  I did notice a slow down in the last two years which is why I made this resolution.  There have been peaks and slow times in our marriage but generally there was sex at least every other night for the bulk of our marriage - this is despite kids and cancer.   In the last few years we have fallen way off that average.

Here are the road blocks so far: working late (1 night), husband sick (2 nights), natures monthly visitor (2 nights) so if I look at it that way I can see that out of those 11 days, we connected 2 times, had good excuses 5 times and 4 times just didn't make the effort.

This is not acceptable - we need to get back to every other night - or better.  I'm so glad that I am keeping track - it might seem a little clinical or odd to take such a matter of fact look at this - but I really think that something like this will lead to other issues in my marriage.  Taking action now and examining these roadblocks is key to getting back on track.

I often work late at night after the kids go to bed - I think the next step is to find a cut off time and put my work away at that time to make sure I am open and available to my husband.

Happy Friday the 13th!

Is all this analysis good for me????

I struggle with this post a bit - hope you don't judge me.  I think I am harder on myself and will probably sound bad as I post this.  I really am very good to my husband but - I did have another huge 'AHA' moment this morning.

A little background info - one of my biggest pet peeves is when my husband and I are watching tv together in bed and he decided it is time for bed and he turns the tv off without asking if I am done watching.  I just want him to ask - geez it isn't that hard.  I have had this conversation with him more times than I can count - he just doesn't get it.  I do understand that this is my issue -but I hate not being asked, it is like going to the kitchen without asking if the other person wants anything it is just rude.

So of course this happened last night - and the normal me - would have shut down right away.  Here is where I get a pat on the head - I didn't shut down.  I told myself - he didn't do it to be rude - he did it because he wants to have some undistracted alone time with me.  And I was able to forget the incident and relax.  So all is good there.

Now this morning is when I realized something that made me feel like crap.  The old me would have turned my back - literally to him and shut down completely.  I would have put up a wall because he had annoyed me. He took the control away from my ability to watch tv and decide when I was done - so I would take the control of our sex life.  I really don't like the way that sounds.  

I can also turn it around and say he took control of our sex life by not acknowledging me and asking if I was ready for bed.  Argh - so I have hit "over analysis" here.

I am going to celebrate the small steps I am taking.  I am going to continue to look at my behavior - and his - to see where we are putting up roadblocks.  Still having fun here ...

Shout out to the Caps tonight - hope they can bounce back and beat the Pens!

This time it really isn't my fault

So I was building myself up - giving the pep talks and I was going to take my man.  But just before bed - he ran to the bathroom and started puking.  It was ugly, poor guy.  Hopefully it will pass quickly and by tomorrow he will be good as new!

I am so not a guy

Not sure if it is my Catholic upbringing or just society in general - but I just find it so hard to initiate sex.  Fear of rejection maybe - although this is so funny.  I cannot think of any reason my husband would ever turn me down - the idea of it is pretty hilarious.  I will continue to work on it - and it is funny how I feel like he should just know.  How did it become the norm that it was up to the guy to decide when.  I guess it is probably just something we came up with due to the silly notion that guys want sex more.  I think that I want it as much as my husband but I let things get in the way.  Now that I am determined to keep my eye on the prize and not let things get in the way I find myself thinking about sex all the time - it is so funny.

We had a great day yesterday - wrestling matches for my little guys, beautiful weather and a party with good friends.  I just assumed we would end the day with some great sex - but we both fell asleep watching Saturday Night Live while we waited for our older kids to get home.

However, with the little guys having a sleep over, we were able to connect in the morning after a great nights sleep, which was perfect.  Again I was hoping we would but waited for him to take action.  So silly - especially since it really would take zero effort to just stop waiting for him to take the lead.  I guess it takes more than just deciding I should start taking action - I actually have to learn to become comfortable with it - to teach myself that this is a good thing that my husband will appreciate.

It's 10:00 today - I hope to be reporting tomorrow that I initiated sex tonight.  Stay tuned.

Oh and good job Broncos.  My husband is from Colorado and has raised his kids to be Bronco fans - we had a great time watching the game today.  That was fun football!!

5

National Snuggle Day

I heard on the radio that today was national snuggle day - seems like a fine excuse to cozy up to the one you love!

It is exciting to see that I am getting some hits to my blog - I welcome any feedback that you have.  I also encourage those that are out there to give this a shot.  I am discovering so much about my relationship and interaction with my husband.  I just know that this reflection is going to pay off in a major way.

I am also just amazed as I search and stumble upon other sites how many people struggle with intimacy in their relationships.  I think we give up somewhat in that area once we are in a committed relationship - which is so backwards.

On a side note - it is a family night out tonight - my daughter's acting debut!  Should be fun.

4

So It Isn't All Me

So - we actually went to bed together and as soon as the lights were out and we snuggled up my husband made a snarky comment that totally turned me off.  So I started the internal dialog of "I am not going to break my resolution this early on."  Okay - so I should have had a reasonable conversation with him right there about how that comment not only made me angry but that it instantly ruined the moment for me.  I did let him know that his comment was out of line and wrong.  I didn't scream or yell - I just let him know that I didn't appreciate it.

Really it was a silly comment about crumbs in the bed and as he put it "You must have allowed someone to eat on my side of the bed".  But the accusatory tone just sent me off - there had been no eating in the bed - except for his popcorn - which by the way was on my side of the bed.  But after a day filled with work, laundry, practices, homework and cleaning - I was so ready for some alone time to relax and then I get the comment that I failed to keep his bed clean.  Yes I know overreaction - I own it. Don't get the idea that he is some man expecting me to make his life perfect - we are a team - but that just ruined the night for me.

Now I think he instantly felt it - and was sorry he said it - although there was no apology.  We did snuggle up and sleep - no sex, I was glad he didn't initiate it - although I am sure that it was from my reaction to his statement.

With some time to think about it - I should have let him know exactly how drastically that comment changed my mood..  However, I will give him credit - he has learned something in his 21 years with me.  This morning he allowed me to sleep in - he got my daughter off to school - I usually get up and get her breakfast and lunch even though she is 16 and capable of this on her own.  He let me sleep, got her off to school and even made breakfast for me - he woke me at 7:00 when he left and gave me a kiss as he left for work.  The goodbye kiss is not a regular routine at our house so I think that all of this was his apology - and I will take it - actions speak louder than words.

I have high hopes for tonight - we are going out to dinner with some friends - just the adults!

Argh

So I never realized how many things in life prevent intimacy.  Last night I had a client with an issue and I ended up working until 1:30 - so I missed going to bed with my husband and provided another roadblock to intimacy.  This is going to happen as I am in a field where I have clients and co-workers working in different time zones there is no set work day for me.

With my resolution I am becoming aware how intimacy can take a back burner in a marriage as life (sleep, work, kids) can prevent the much needed connection needed between a husband and wife.

I am amazed at all I have learned just 4 days into this.  I am more sure than ever that effort is needed here - I can't let my marriage and relationship take a back seat.  Now I do have to support my clients - so there will still be nights where I need to stay up and will miss the opportunity to snuggle up and go to bed with my husband - but I am so aware now - which can only be a good thing.

Awareness is good - and my eyes are definitely open to all the distractions!  Tonight will be distraction free - kids are in bed, I am not going to work (even though I should), I am enjoying a glass of wine and my favorite TV show (Top Chef).  I will head to bed with my husband tonight - distraction free!

I am also excited that I have had some visits to my blog!

Sooo Tired

Last night marked the end of our Christmas break - back to school and work today.  The backpacks were packed the kids showered and asleep at a normal time.  We were reading in bed and I was suddenly so tired.  I was the first to close my book and my eyes and had a moment of panic as I snuggled in.  When I initially crawled into bed I was looking forward to sex - but now all I wanted was sleep - even so I would not have refused any advances.  The internal struggle did not keep me from sleeping - and neither did my husband - I woke up very rested and at the same time somewhat disappointed.  I didn't directly break my resolution but I feel like in some small way I failed the intent. The intent is to build a stronger marriage through more intimacy, and initiating sex as well as not denying sex are both parts of that.

Here is what I realized this morning, I wanted sex last night - but I didn't initiate and then I was too tired.  I need to work on this.  When I crawl into bed 'in the mood' I need to act on it. And if I am in the mood and not already in bed I need to figure that out as well.  Baby steps here...

I also realize that after 21 years of marriage and a routine of when I am open for intimacy and when I am not it will take some time for my husband to realize that I am tossing those unwritten rules out.  I need to work to make him understand this.  I still don't want to come right out with my resolution - but I need to discuss with him that I am working on redefining the intimacy in our marriage.

A resolution for 2012

I have decided that my resolution in 2012 is to never refuse my husband's sexual advances.  We have been married for more than 20 years and are both in our 40's.  We already have a good sex life as my husband gets quite cranky if he isn't getting it on a regular basis but I am wondering what impact never refusing him will have on our marriage, our health and our general outlook on life.

As I mentioned, he's already getting it on a fairly regular basis - but less than 36 hours into 2012 he would have been shot down once already this year.  I said yes this morning with 3 of our 4 children awake and about.  Normally I would have said "NO WAY - the kids are awake" - but we managed it.  As I showered afterwards I figured out that 36 hours into 2012 we had already had sex 3 times - so our 2012 average was off to a pretty good start.

Now - my husband does not know about my resolution.  I think I would be asking for trouble if I let him in on it - I'm sure it would lead to some 'I dare you' situations.  I figure I will keep this blog and track our progress for the year and then share the blog with him in 2013.

If I look at this as an experiment here are my hypotheses (I had to google the plural form of hypothesis so this resolution has already resulted in an improved vocabulary!):

>> We will be more affectionate in our daily lives
>> My husband will be in a much better mood all the time
>> We will sleep better
>> We will lose weight.
>> We will be healthier
>> We will have more energy

I really hope that this resolution will prove my hypotheses right and have some additional perks as well!

Stay tuned!

3