Monday, February 20, 2012

Saying no without rejecting - is it possible?

So the party on Saturday was fun - we got home at 2:00 am and then I was up and getting the boys out to wrestling by 7:00.  My husband was not feeling well so I let him sleep in and did the wrestling match solo.  The boys both did great and we were home by 1:30.  I was back out by 2:30 to coach my daughter's lacrosse game.  From there we went straight to my brothers for a great family Sunday dinner.  Home finally at 9:00 for the night.  Played a quick game of Life with the little boys and then in bed for a movie with my husband.

I made it about 10 minutes into the movie and was out.  I wasn't fully asleep - but was really having a hard time staying awake.  When the movie was over and the lights were out my husband snuggled in behind me.  I just couldn't wake up.

At this point I told him, you are welcome to help yourself, but I am so tired that I am not sure I can actively participate.  I went on to say there is a slim chance that he may be able to wake me up a bit, and I happy to let him try.  Basically I am not rejecting the idea of sex or him - I am just not able to get my body to respond.  His response was, I'm tired too, lets just go to sleep.

I plan to approach the subject with him today at some point.  I just want to make sure that the way I handled things last night was okay with him.  I don't want him to feel rejected and I also don't want him to feel like I am saying 'whatever - just get it over with'.  I know I am guilty of both in the past.  Last night it wasn't really either, it was just pure exhaustion.

Still really tired this morning - still having trouble with getting my eyes open.  I was however able to participate at some level.  After which he told me to go back to sleep and get some more rest.

So - I am thinking that I did live up to the resolution - even though there was no sex - there was no denying of advances or rejection.  I spoke up instead of using body language which I am calling another step in the right direction.



  1. i didn't read anywhere that you said the word no. so, i'd say your streak is still alive.

  2. I think you're good.

    There are going to be times in a marriage when "drive-through sex" is going to be the only type realistically possible. Mrs. Ironwood and I understand that implicitly, and there have been plenty of times when she's been in the exact situation you describe: open to the idea, but unable to cooperate beyond her passive consent. She traditionally signifies this state of being with some verbal signal, usually something along the lines of "Take me, Conan, just don't wake me up," and "Tonight it's Self Serve, and don't worry about tipping the waitress" or "Tonight it's all about you, but I get to go to sleep instantly when you're done, and I might not wait that long." All are positive indications of willingness coupled with tacit permission to "use her for my selfish pleasure".

    The result of this offering is usually me saying, "Aww, thanks for the offer, Babe, but I can take care of myself tonight" or "That's so sweet, but you can get me back in the morning" about 70% of the time. The other 30% of the time I gratefully recognize what a wonderful wife I have, I take her like a tavern maiden, and about half of the time she really gets into it. The other half she just enjoys the ride (shorter because I'm not worried about her orgasm) and falls asleep feeling fulfilled and happy regardless.

    You didn't fail at all. You let him know you were open to the idea, and that's big. A big part of sex for men is the feeling of acceptance we get from it, the feeling that some other person in the world likes us enough to actually tolerate getting poked by our favorite body part. Just knowing you would do it, if requested, was a big ol' shot of manly self-esteem, regardless of the actual outcome. But I wouldn't neglect following-through in broad daylight with a quickie, just to reinforce.

    Good show!