Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Crazy thinking

So just in case you forget that I am a woman I am going to share some of my crazy backwards thinking.  Last night brought the end of a crazy busy long weekend.  Lights went out in my room after midnight - and although I really didn't want sex I was feeling pretty rejected when my husband turned over to go to sleep.

We did have sex that morning, and we were both pretty tired.  So while I didn't want to have sex, I wanted him to want to have sex.  And I was not only rejected, I was mad, and I have this crazy internal dialog going on.

I did feel better when he turned over and gave me some kisses and pulled me close to him to go to sleep.

Now I am not saying all women are crazy and backwards - but I am a little crazy and backwards when it comes to sex and I would rather blame that on being a woman than just on me.  I didn't really realize it until I started this resolution and had a chance to analyze my bedroom behavior.  I know what I want, how and when I want it.  But I also have these old fashioned thoughts that hold me back.  Recognizing them is one thing - fixing them another.  I do know that I want my husband to take charge - and 95% of the time he does.  So I just need to become more comfortable in the 5% and stop with the internal dialogs - I am the only one that can hear myself!

In all other aspects of life I have no problem with communicating my wants and needs - I seem to only have this mental block in bed.  Where of course when I don't manage to send the signals correctly I end up in my own thoughts in the dark - a recipe for frustration.


  1. It's perfectly natural for a woman to feel wanted . . . indeed, some fulfill that desire by teasing their men sexually until they get the validation they want, and then shutting down before they actual follow through. Not saying you're doing this, just demonstrating that women want to feel wanted, desired, craved like a drug.

    What you should do is develop some sort of subtextual "code" that lets him know that you want attention (or at least a demonstrable sign that he wants you) that does not necessarily predicate sex -- but very well could. That's hard to do. But the title of your blog is that "you will never say no" . . . that does not preclude you saying "Um, Sweetie, would you mind taking me like a tavern wench?"

    You aren't crazy and backwards . . . you're horny. And that's OK. You crave the attention and desire and sex from your husband, your recent openness to any kind of sex has revved up your motor, but your hubby doesn't know that. If you want sex, but have a mental block against initiating it (a lot of women do), then you have to overcome that block or negotiate some signal with your husband that he can understand.

    And you could always try the Shaharezade move: those nights that you're interested and he doesn't show any signs of life, then find a good collection of erotic stories and read him to sleep.

    He won't go to sleep.

  2. So while I didn't want to have sex, I wanted him to want to have sex. And I was not only rejected, I was mad, and I have this crazy internal dialog going on.

    this is jen
    I do the same thing. You're not crazy- or if you are, then we both are!

  3. You want your husband to be a mind reader but your own mind reading skills are apparently non-existent. You don't need to develop a secret sub textual code language to signal you want sex. All you have to do is wear something sexy, like lingerie (hopefully that's still enough to make him want it.) In the rare cases when he's too tired for it, well, you'll just have to use 5% of those mind reading skills that you expect him to have, yourself, beforehand. It really isn't rocket science.

    1. Did you mis-read the post - "I didn't want to have sex, I wanted him to want to have sex." No mind reading here - this is me admitting that I want my husband to want me ALL THE TIME. Even when I would rather go to sleep. I didn't say I want him to be a mind reader either - I said I need to stop expecting him to be a mind reader, two different things. This is me - realizing and pointing out the things that I do to prevent intimacy in my marriage. I'm working hard to change me, not to change my husband.

    2. "I want my husband to want me ALL THE TIME"

      My mistake, I forgot women live in fantasy land most of the time.

    3. That's a pretty broad generalization - sorry that you feel that way.

      I am pretty grounded and working on this one aspect of my life.

      I live in a world where I work full time, raise 4 kids, clean my house and struggle to make everything work. I realize that I am not perfect and work pretty hard at becoming a better wife, mom and person. I don't succeed all the time - but that's okay.

      That's not fantasy - that is life.

  4. I sometimes find myself laying in the dark kicking myself in the ass for not initiating, despite being assured by my SO that she is DTF whenever. I made a decision to initiate every night in the past week, and we romped every night but one. We were both tired and I told her it would have to be quick or a break, and we chose break. Made up for it is morning. ;-)

    To your point, part of the reason I decided to try this is that I really want my SO to initiate on occasion. She is truly always receptive, but I just want to lay back and "enjoy the ride" every once in awhile. But I wanted to establish a good habit of taking charge first, so I can feel better about asking for it.

    If your sexual relationship is already pretty solid, then take a chance grab the bull by the horns once in awhile. For me it is a very refreshing break from having to call the shots, and I also like to feel desired. I get that she shows she desires me by being so receptive, but every once in awhile I like to feel straight up desired. Like I don't need to do anything to get her so riled up she cant wait to jump me.

    1. I am trying - old habits die hard. I think that I was spoiled in never having to initiate it as he always does. I agree that he really likes when I initiate - it is still really hard for me. Not sure the real root of the issue yet - I have ruled out the fear of rejection - it could be I'm embarrassed, I'm self-conscience, I am struggling with the good-girls don't notions. What I do know is that these are all excuses - my husband loves me - this is all in my head. Easy to analyze it - harder to put into practice.

  5. NO lie about old habits. I never would have imagined I'd find myself at 41 trying to make these kinds of major life changes.

    I hope I live long enough to enjoy a few years of NOT making self improvements. At some point I hope to be a finished product!