Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Sexless Marriage - prevention?

I know several woman that are in sexless marriages.  Some of these marriages are sexless because of the wife and some are sexless because of the husband.

I know that sex is not the most important thing in a marriage - but it is a very big key that can make or break that bond.  I am not sure how I came to that conclusion but I am thankful that I have believed it from the first day and still believe it almost 22 years later.  My relationship has had ups and downs, I've changed, my husband has changed and I think that intimacy and sex have been the constant that has helped to keep us together and strong.

I can honestly say this resolution and awareness in 2012 has already brought us closer and made us stronger.  The question is - how do I pass this lesson on to my children?

My 18 year old has point blank asked me "How often do you and dad have sex" - this was about 6 months ago and I declined to answer.  Now I look back at that and wonder - did I miss a great teaching opportunity?  I had no issues when he asked me "Mom, why would a woman ever want a penis in her mouth".  I had an answer for that one.  Almost fell over when he asked - this was 4 years ago, but I recovered.  Last year he spent a year away from home - he had an opportunity to go play baseball and went away to live with friends for the season.  His bedroom in their home was right next to the master.  He noticed that the couple never had sex.  They have since separated.  As he put it - "I expect to have a lot of sex when I am married" followed by the million dollar question about frequency for me and his dad.

So for my 18 year old son - I want him to know.  Sex is important, and in my opinion a relationship needs to have a very strong and active sex life.  This means, to me, that partners need to meet each others needs and that you need to be careful to not let life (kids, work, etc) get in the way.  If you are too tired to meet your partners needs you need to find a way to get some rest and make this happen.  Once you are off track it is very hard to get back on track.  I also need him to know that it isn't all about him.  He needs to make sure that his partners needs are met, before, after and during.  He isn't done when he is done - he is done when they are both done.

For my 17 year old daughter - I want her to know.  Society tells us to be a good girl.  Then society expects those rules to change once she is in a committed relationship.  This isn't easy and she has to find her balance.  She needs to know her body, know what works for her and understand her biology and be comfortable with her own sexuality.  I think this is easier for the man - not always right there for the woman.  For her to have a positive sex life she needs to communicate openly with her partner and not be passive in the sexual relationship.  Then she needs to learn all the things that her brother learned, they all apply here too.

For both of them - intimacy and sex depends on behavior outside of the bedroom.  Each partner needs to work on themselves, self-esteem, fitness, happiness, stress level and making themselves happy.  Then you need to work on the relationship and supporting your partner.

I'm sure there is a lot more to pass on - and these are just my first thoughts - I'm sure there are other good things I missed.  Now I just have to find the right segue to have a conversation like this with them.  I also need to make sure I adhere to all the things I have listed above - practice what I preach.



  1. I have followed your blog now for the past couple of months. You should be congratulated as a wife and a parent. Your committment to your husband and your resolution behind this blog are an encouragement to me as a husband. Also, the fact that your son is even comfortable enough to ask you the questions that he does speaks volumes to you as a parent. I have a feeling that he is going to carry much of the wisdom his mother has given him in his own marriage one day. You're an inspiration!

  2. Thanks for the encouragement - one blog post soon will have to display my not so positive traits (a pretty good list). My mother died when I was young and I was raised by a wonderful man that loved me unconditionally but would never dream of having a conversation about sex. I have always been very open with my kids about sex, drugs, drinking and it works for us. Another day I can review my rules - some of them are pretty out there but seem to work. Don't give me too many points yet - I still have to have the guts to share the above with them.

  3. For the vast majority of husbands - no matter what they openly say to their wives - sex is one of the most (if not THE most) important thing in their marriage. Period.

    1. As a wife I recognize that - I see the differences in my husbands all around demeanor and outlook on life when he has to go without. There are some times in life where sex has to be put on hold (medical reasons / travel for work) other than that it is really important to put the needs of your partner in front of your own. It is a two way street and not something you can ever stop working on. Thanks for the honest comment.

  4. It's not only about the openness about sex to your kids, but my main question is, how to sell the MMSL approach practically? I believe that most young guys today will fail in marriages because they were catered to by the parents and don't know anything about how to be a man and how to have a successful relationship. Just telling them "we" have sex X times a week/month/year just sets a number, but doesn't explain how to maintain it or even how to approach it. On the other hand, I don't want to raise a Pick-Up-Artist either.

    I mean it should make sense to them to hold down a steady job, to be flirtatious and gaming your partner is important, but how do they see the differences? To answer my own question, I guess really only by seeing it in their parents.

    Leading by example.
    Great post and congratulations to being on the right track of raising your kids!

  5. I was blessed with a wife that started out our married life with your attitude- in 23 years she's never denied me sex when I wanted it, and I've never denied her, short of extenuating circumstances of course. It's held our marriage together through a heck of a lot. Here's a hint ladies: when you're doing your husband every day, cheating just doesn't enter his mind, and so many petty issues that could fester and cause problems in your relationship just disappear in a cloud of, well you get it.

    I think it's great that you are teaching your kids that married sex is great. It's not a message they're likely to get anywhere else.

    Personally I don't think kids need to know the gory details of their parents sex life. "How many times" is a bit too personal for me anyway. "As often as we want" would be my answer. BUT they should be taught and shown that being married means having a great sex life. My kids see us hugging and kissing all the time, they see me pat her on the butt and her liking it and snuggling in for a kiss, they see us going to bed early fairly often, and with our small house and thin walls I think they get the idea. I think that the biggest mistake most parents make, especially religious ones like us, is that we tell our kids about the dangers of the sexually permissive culture we live in and how bad it is, but don't offer them the alternative because we are embarrassed. Or, as I'm starting to realize, they simply don't have a great sex life to talk about. I had always assumed that other married couples were like us and did it almost every day. Reading blogs like MMSL I'm seeing how wrong I was!

    It's pretty hard to expect our kids to make sensible decisions about their own sexuality, and in our case save themselves for marriage, when everything they see and hear tells them how great the hook-up culture is, but we're not offering an attractive alternative.

  6. I think you should add to your list of hypotheses that your husband is likely more confident at work, working harder at work, far more willing to do housework, run errands, and literally anything else he can think of to overtly show his love and affection for you. I know on those rare occasions that my wife has been "generous," it's had a positive impact on every aspect of my life and I wanted nothing more than brag about her, make her happy, make her life easy, etc. Your husband is very lucky to be so loved.

  7. My wife fulfilled a sexual fantasy the other night. I hesitate to use the word fantasy because it seems to imply something bizarre or highly unusual to most people. I would say it was more like she fulfilled a desire I have recently nurtured. She was teasing and pleasuring me doing something and I finally worked up the courage to ask her to do "the thing" that was just a slight variation on what she was already doing. It was heaven. I don't know if she enjoyed doing it as much as I enjoyed receiving it, but it was not a turn-off for her, and she seemed to enjoy being responsible for my pleasure. I suspect she would repeat it with no problem and I will certainly give her the opportunity, but it would be great is she just adopted it into our routine as a special treat without my intervention.

    The point is it has affected me deeply that a)she did it and b)did not judge or shame me over it.(No men, it wasn't the swallowing thing.) That one act has affectd my attitude toward her, our sex-life and my willingness to share more with her; i.e. connect with her. Dreadpiratk is right too. When you consistently get what you want at home, cheating is not part of your game plan. The same goes for us pleasing our women. It is not that we need to have everything we sexually desire and it is your job to provide it, but when our needs are met, as responsible husband we should, damn well better, meet your needs also. Think about how your attitudes changes when we pull through on something that pleases you. Yes! It works the same way with us. The sky is bluer, the sun is brighter, God is in his Kingdom and all is right with the world.