Well doesn't that sound classier than saying wine makes me horny?
Research so far this year shows that my drive is at an all time high about a week after my lovely time of the month. During this time my husband doesn't really need to work to get me in the mood - I'm pretty much up for anything at anytime. He should know that in this period of time he going to be getting lots of action with minimal effort. I have learned from very smart male readers that is because I am ovulating! During this time I really need no encouragement and there is no thought of sleep first.
This high drive seems to last about a week to 10 days - then it takes a huge dip. This is when I appear to be in my 'sleep is better than sex' mode. Now let me clarify - and I think women will understand this. It doesn't mean that I prefer sleep to sex - it just means that given the choice with my head on the pillow I am picking sleep. When I ignore my desire to sleep I always enjoy the sex - it just takes a little more to get me to want sex. It is the classic "I always enjoy it once we are doing it".
Then I realized last night that wine seems to have the same effect on me as ovulation. I can tell my husband that one step in the right direction during the low drive time of the month is to pour me a glass of wine.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
And the drive takes a dip
So last month it was on about the 24th that I noticed that my sex drive took a dip. It has happened again. It is like my mind wants one thing and my body wants another. My brain wants to be the best wife to my husband - which includes things in and out of the bedroom. My body just isn't responding the way I want it to.
I found myself working last night at 11:00 - I saw my husband falling asleep. I was breaking the rule I set for myself and I had to ask if I was doing it on purpose. I knew that my husband wanted sex but I just wasn't into it. I was able to rally, but I feel like I wasn't a full participant as the analysis continued during the act.
So I need to just share with my husband what I have discovered and let him know that there are definite times of the month where he may have to work a little harder to get me in the mood. I will meet him more than half way there - but I think I need to share so that he never misinterprets this lower drive time as a rejection of him.
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I found myself working last night at 11:00 - I saw my husband falling asleep. I was breaking the rule I set for myself and I had to ask if I was doing it on purpose. I knew that my husband wanted sex but I just wasn't into it. I was able to rally, but I feel like I wasn't a full participant as the analysis continued during the act.
So I need to just share with my husband what I have discovered and let him know that there are definite times of the month where he may have to work a little harder to get me in the mood. I will meet him more than half way there - but I think I need to share so that he never misinterprets this lower drive time as a rejection of him.
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Monday, March 26, 2012
What I want
So I took a big next step - part of the practice what I preach (from my http://dontsayno2012.blogspot.com/2012/03/sexless-marriage-prevention.html Post) - I directed my husbands actions. Told him what I needed him to do. I have never done that before - and I think we both got a big payoff. He was so excited to have learned something about me he was all ready for a repeat performance the next morning. I had to decline that - it was morning - with a few kids running around. A quickie was all we had time for.
I know the male readers don't understand how an adult woman that has been with her partner for as long as I have would still struggle with this. I can only speak for myself and say that sex is something that I have had to figure out on my own and that as much as I want to come out with all my wants, needs and fantasies I still struggle here. On the other side of that coin - I never refuse anything my husband wants to do or try - so I am not a prude, I am just still learning to make myself heard. On a side note - more BJs for my husband - 3 in one week, still no happy ending - still having pain - but still practicing.
Unrelated side note - I am amazed at how quickly we are seeing our bees go to work! This is the compartment that the queen bee arrived in - she moved out of it and into the hive in the first day. This was removed less than 48 hours into the process. Fun stuff!
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I know the male readers don't understand how an adult woman that has been with her partner for as long as I have would still struggle with this. I can only speak for myself and say that sex is something that I have had to figure out on my own and that as much as I want to come out with all my wants, needs and fantasies I still struggle here. On the other side of that coin - I never refuse anything my husband wants to do or try - so I am not a prude, I am just still learning to make myself heard. On a side note - more BJs for my husband - 3 in one week, still no happy ending - still having pain - but still practicing.
Unrelated side note - I am amazed at how quickly we are seeing our bees go to work! This is the compartment that the queen bee arrived in - she moved out of it and into the hive in the first day. This was removed less than 48 hours into the process. Fun stuff!
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Friday, March 23, 2012
This makes me smile
We have had a very busy few days. My husband has decided to try his hand at beekeeping and set up the hives over the last few days. The first day was hysterical, I had the video rolling to catch him introducing the 2500 bees to the hives and managed to catch that as well as two of our chickens fighting over a snake they both wanted to eat and my husband dropping his pants as a few of his bees decided they would rather take up residence in his pants instead of the new hive.
We have also had his wrestling banquet, a few basketball practices and 2 lacrosse games for my daughter. We have been dividing our time between events for our kids and didn't get a chance to see each other yesterday until about 8:30 last night.
I walked out to help him unload his car and he said "I'm exhausted" and then he smiled and said "I'm taking the night off". I'm thinking in the 25 years we have been together he has never warned me that there would be no sex. I am fine with that - especially considering the marathon session of the night before - which involved too many positions to count - including a brand new one.
I also know that had I pressed him, snuggled up or took charge he would have responded. I am thrilled that he recognized that unless he specifically tells me that he needs sleep I will initiate on my own.
So we have reached a new level here - and I'm very happy about it.
On the other hand this morning after a solid 8 plus hours of sleep I was still exhausted - and so was he. Seems that the night off didn't really to help.
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We have also had his wrestling banquet, a few basketball practices and 2 lacrosse games for my daughter. We have been dividing our time between events for our kids and didn't get a chance to see each other yesterday until about 8:30 last night.
I walked out to help him unload his car and he said "I'm exhausted" and then he smiled and said "I'm taking the night off". I'm thinking in the 25 years we have been together he has never warned me that there would be no sex. I am fine with that - especially considering the marathon session of the night before - which involved too many positions to count - including a brand new one.
I also know that had I pressed him, snuggled up or took charge he would have responded. I am thrilled that he recognized that unless he specifically tells me that he needs sleep I will initiate on my own.
So we have reached a new level here - and I'm very happy about it.
On the other hand this morning after a solid 8 plus hours of sleep I was still exhausted - and so was he. Seems that the night off didn't really to help.
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Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Sexless Marriage - prevention?
I know several woman that are in sexless marriages. Some of these marriages are sexless because of the wife and some are sexless because of the husband.
I know that sex is not the most important thing in a marriage - but it is a very big key that can make or break that bond. I am not sure how I came to that conclusion but I am thankful that I have believed it from the first day and still believe it almost 22 years later. My relationship has had ups and downs, I've changed, my husband has changed and I think that intimacy and sex have been the constant that has helped to keep us together and strong.
I can honestly say this resolution and awareness in 2012 has already brought us closer and made us stronger. The question is - how do I pass this lesson on to my children?
My 18 year old has point blank asked me "How often do you and dad have sex" - this was about 6 months ago and I declined to answer. Now I look back at that and wonder - did I miss a great teaching opportunity? I had no issues when he asked me "Mom, why would a woman ever want a penis in her mouth". I had an answer for that one. Almost fell over when he asked - this was 4 years ago, but I recovered. Last year he spent a year away from home - he had an opportunity to go play baseball and went away to live with friends for the season. His bedroom in their home was right next to the master. He noticed that the couple never had sex. They have since separated. As he put it - "I expect to have a lot of sex when I am married" followed by the million dollar question about frequency for me and his dad.
So for my 18 year old son - I want him to know. Sex is important, and in my opinion a relationship needs to have a very strong and active sex life. This means, to me, that partners need to meet each others needs and that you need to be careful to not let life (kids, work, etc) get in the way. If you are too tired to meet your partners needs you need to find a way to get some rest and make this happen. Once you are off track it is very hard to get back on track. I also need him to know that it isn't all about him. He needs to make sure that his partners needs are met, before, after and during. He isn't done when he is done - he is done when they are both done.
For my 17 year old daughter - I want her to know. Society tells us to be a good girl. Then society expects those rules to change once she is in a committed relationship. This isn't easy and she has to find her balance. She needs to know her body, know what works for her and understand her biology and be comfortable with her own sexuality. I think this is easier for the man - not always right there for the woman. For her to have a positive sex life she needs to communicate openly with her partner and not be passive in the sexual relationship. Then she needs to learn all the things that her brother learned, they all apply here too.
For both of them - intimacy and sex depends on behavior outside of the bedroom. Each partner needs to work on themselves, self-esteem, fitness, happiness, stress level and making themselves happy. Then you need to work on the relationship and supporting your partner.
I'm sure there is a lot more to pass on - and these are just my first thoughts - I'm sure there are other good things I missed. Now I just have to find the right segue to have a conversation like this with them. I also need to make sure I adhere to all the things I have listed above - practice what I preach.
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I know that sex is not the most important thing in a marriage - but it is a very big key that can make or break that bond. I am not sure how I came to that conclusion but I am thankful that I have believed it from the first day and still believe it almost 22 years later. My relationship has had ups and downs, I've changed, my husband has changed and I think that intimacy and sex have been the constant that has helped to keep us together and strong.
I can honestly say this resolution and awareness in 2012 has already brought us closer and made us stronger. The question is - how do I pass this lesson on to my children?
My 18 year old has point blank asked me "How often do you and dad have sex" - this was about 6 months ago and I declined to answer. Now I look back at that and wonder - did I miss a great teaching opportunity? I had no issues when he asked me "Mom, why would a woman ever want a penis in her mouth". I had an answer for that one. Almost fell over when he asked - this was 4 years ago, but I recovered. Last year he spent a year away from home - he had an opportunity to go play baseball and went away to live with friends for the season. His bedroom in their home was right next to the master. He noticed that the couple never had sex. They have since separated. As he put it - "I expect to have a lot of sex when I am married" followed by the million dollar question about frequency for me and his dad.
So for my 18 year old son - I want him to know. Sex is important, and in my opinion a relationship needs to have a very strong and active sex life. This means, to me, that partners need to meet each others needs and that you need to be careful to not let life (kids, work, etc) get in the way. If you are too tired to meet your partners needs you need to find a way to get some rest and make this happen. Once you are off track it is very hard to get back on track. I also need him to know that it isn't all about him. He needs to make sure that his partners needs are met, before, after and during. He isn't done when he is done - he is done when they are both done.
For my 17 year old daughter - I want her to know. Society tells us to be a good girl. Then society expects those rules to change once she is in a committed relationship. This isn't easy and she has to find her balance. She needs to know her body, know what works for her and understand her biology and be comfortable with her own sexuality. I think this is easier for the man - not always right there for the woman. For her to have a positive sex life she needs to communicate openly with her partner and not be passive in the sexual relationship. Then she needs to learn all the things that her brother learned, they all apply here too.
For both of them - intimacy and sex depends on behavior outside of the bedroom. Each partner needs to work on themselves, self-esteem, fitness, happiness, stress level and making themselves happy. Then you need to work on the relationship and supporting your partner.
I'm sure there is a lot more to pass on - and these are just my first thoughts - I'm sure there are other good things I missed. Now I just have to find the right segue to have a conversation like this with them. I also need to make sure I adhere to all the things I have listed above - practice what I preach.
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Monday, March 19, 2012
The wonderful world of blogging
I get to say whatever I want - I can be as open as I want. I reach out to and get to interact with people from all over the world. People I never would have met encourage me.
I really love it!!!
Hope you all had a good St. Patty's day weekend. My husbands wrestling season ended with his team being awarded the regional championship trophy. We enjoyed some great Irish food with friends on Saturday evening. Sunday I was playing basketball with my boys in the driveway in my flip flops - and tore all the skin off the top of my big toe - that kind of sucks but overall life was good.
Unfortunately we we also learned that a good friend of ours died, he was only in his 40's. He was a friend of ours during my husbands days in the Marines. Moe was one of our first friends right after we got married - he will be very missed. He lived life fully and would want us to continue doing the same.
As for my resolutions - things are going well. Some oral for my husband - without any pain for me - but without his happy ending. Still working on that. I initiated - so another point for me. I did have to put him off this morning to get an email out for work - but was able to oblige him less than an hour later so all is good there. Drive is still high.
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I really love it!!!
Hope you all had a good St. Patty's day weekend. My husbands wrestling season ended with his team being awarded the regional championship trophy. We enjoyed some great Irish food with friends on Saturday evening. Sunday I was playing basketball with my boys in the driveway in my flip flops - and tore all the skin off the top of my big toe - that kind of sucks but overall life was good.
Unfortunately we we also learned that a good friend of ours died, he was only in his 40's. He was a friend of ours during my husbands days in the Marines. Moe was one of our first friends right after we got married - he will be very missed. He lived life fully and would want us to continue doing the same.
As for my resolutions - things are going well. Some oral for my husband - without any pain for me - but without his happy ending. Still working on that. I initiated - so another point for me. I did have to put him off this morning to get an email out for work - but was able to oblige him less than an hour later so all is good there. Drive is still high.
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Friday, March 16, 2012
The other 'time' of the month
So last month around the 17th I was borderline obsessed with sex. Thinking about it and anticipating it pretty much all the time. The drive was at an all time high. Then it subsided.
It's back! - March 16th.
So I am guessing it is hormonal - seems to kick in about a week after my other time of the month. I would guess that my sex drive has always been higher at that time, but now that I am analyzing everything about my sex life I am noticing just how much higher it is.
Last night was a really good night for me - and for my husband. We were both totally exhausted, I could feel myself falling asleep, and my husband was rubbing my back and falling asleep himself. I could hear him softly snoring. I wanted sex, but sleep felt so good. Fortunately my husband's sex drive won out over his exhaustion. I guess if he figured he was going to make this effort he was going to make it worth our while.
This was not exhausted get it over with sex. This was intense, we have all night, don't have to get up early, no kids to worry about sex. Unfortunately we did have to get up in the morning - but it was worth it.
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It's back! - March 16th.
So I am guessing it is hormonal - seems to kick in about a week after my other time of the month. I would guess that my sex drive has always been higher at that time, but now that I am analyzing everything about my sex life I am noticing just how much higher it is.
Last night was a really good night for me - and for my husband. We were both totally exhausted, I could feel myself falling asleep, and my husband was rubbing my back and falling asleep himself. I could hear him softly snoring. I wanted sex, but sleep felt so good. Fortunately my husband's sex drive won out over his exhaustion. I guess if he figured he was going to make this effort he was going to make it worth our while.
This was not exhausted get it over with sex. This was intense, we have all night, don't have to get up early, no kids to worry about sex. Unfortunately we did have to get up in the morning - but it was worth it.
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Thursday, March 15, 2012
Count us 1/2 way in
So as I learned yesterday from a reader of this blog - yesterday was 'National Steak and Blow Job Day'. We had pork chops and mashed potatoes for dinner - so we missed the mark on that one. We did however complete the bj part of the day.
I informed my husband of the holiday at around 7:30 and he then had to patiently wait until 11:30. As for my research - I did suffer some sort of reaction - I toughed it out as long as I could, apologized and then finished up. I told my husband that for him we might need to rename the day 'National Sucky Blow Job Day'. He will take what he can get and there was no complaining last night.
As for his diet - over the past 24 hours. Turkey, Pork, Eggs, Coffee, Black Olives. Pain went away almost instantly, and wasn't as intense as it was in the past.
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I informed my husband of the holiday at around 7:30 and he then had to patiently wait until 11:30. As for my research - I did suffer some sort of reaction - I toughed it out as long as I could, apologized and then finished up. I told my husband that for him we might need to rename the day 'National Sucky Blow Job Day'. He will take what he can get and there was no complaining last night.
As for his diet - over the past 24 hours. Turkey, Pork, Eggs, Coffee, Black Olives. Pain went away almost instantly, and wasn't as intense as it was in the past.
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Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Oops
So I had planned a little oral experimentation for last night and then I went and fell asleep. All was not lost as my husband managed to wake me up and ask if I was "RTF" - he screwed it up but we figured 'ready' worked possibly better than 'down' in our case anyway.
We had a good time and I was able to go immediately back to sleep. This has been one of the issues in the past - if I am asleep and wake up for sex it is hard for me to get back to sleep. That was one of the reasons that I would ask my husband if we could do it in the morning instead of at night. It was so frustrating to be asleep - be woken up and then listen to him snore as I lay awake after.
Last night my husband is the one that had trouble falling asleep - I was out right away and he was eating a snack and watching tv.
Tonight I will try to stay awake and start things off with some oral...
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We had a good time and I was able to go immediately back to sleep. This has been one of the issues in the past - if I am asleep and wake up for sex it is hard for me to get back to sleep. That was one of the reasons that I would ask my husband if we could do it in the morning instead of at night. It was so frustrating to be asleep - be woken up and then listen to him snore as I lay awake after.
Last night my husband is the one that had trouble falling asleep - I was out right away and he was eating a snack and watching tv.
Tonight I will try to stay awake and start things off with some oral...
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Monday, March 12, 2012
Young minds
We were driving home from my brother's house and my 9 year old says "Mom, life is a lot like driving - if you look back and not forward you are probably going to crash". Love that he has things like that floating around in that fabulous brain of his.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Beautiful Sunday
Gorgeous day - and the house is almost clean!
I was able to forget about the mess last night and relax. I enjoyed a very fattening dessert that my husband brought home for me! He also unfortunately brought home some very nasty bad breath that had me literally hiding behind one of my pillows. Last nights sexually positions were dictated by my efforts to avoid being directly exposed to his jambalaya induced bad breath. Luckily we have been married long enough for me to be able to say - I love you and I want to do this - but your breath is toxic so get creative and keep it away from me!
Now for me - if he would say this to me I would be mortified - but all is good with him. No amount of mouthwash was helping and he wasn't going to let it slow him down at all.
Tonight I am going to try to spice it up a bit. Clean sheets on the bed and a clean house can really get me in the mood!
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I was able to forget about the mess last night and relax. I enjoyed a very fattening dessert that my husband brought home for me! He also unfortunately brought home some very nasty bad breath that had me literally hiding behind one of my pillows. Last nights sexually positions were dictated by my efforts to avoid being directly exposed to his jambalaya induced bad breath. Luckily we have been married long enough for me to be able to say - I love you and I want to do this - but your breath is toxic so get creative and keep it away from me!
Now for me - if he would say this to me I would be mortified - but all is good with him. No amount of mouthwash was helping and he wasn't going to let it slow him down at all.
Tonight I am going to try to spice it up a bit. Clean sheets on the bed and a clean house can really get me in the mood!
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Saturday, March 10, 2012
Focus
Another busy day today - ran the concessions at a lacrosse tournament for my daughters HS. She didn't get to play as she was busy taking her SAT. Missed the little guys playing basketball. Went home with 25 left over Chick Fil A Sandwiches and 2 dozen donuts.
The house is a disaster - i'm sitting in the kitchen right now and there isn't an inch of counter space - dishes everywhere - half played game of life on the table. Coolers line the dining room - waiting to be cleaned and put away. Dog puked downstairs. No beds are made.
Normally I would be bugging out over this - but I am too tired to care. I have nothing to do until tomorrow so I am going to put on some blinders and ignore it. The plan is to wake up tomorrow and CLEAN!
My husband is out with his friends from graduate school - all women. I am going to get a glass of wine and going to watch a movie with the little kids. Then off to bed with them. I will be ready, willing and able when my husband rolls in!
I'm liking this plan (but would like it way better if the cleaning fairy would make a visit tonight)!
The house is a disaster - i'm sitting in the kitchen right now and there isn't an inch of counter space - dishes everywhere - half played game of life on the table. Coolers line the dining room - waiting to be cleaned and put away. Dog puked downstairs. No beds are made.
Normally I would be bugging out over this - but I am too tired to care. I have nothing to do until tomorrow so I am going to put on some blinders and ignore it. The plan is to wake up tomorrow and CLEAN!
My husband is out with his friends from graduate school - all women. I am going to get a glass of wine and going to watch a movie with the little kids. Then off to bed with them. I will be ready, willing and able when my husband rolls in!
I'm liking this plan (but would like it way better if the cleaning fairy would make a visit tonight)!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Time for an Escape
Spring break is coming up and it might be a good time for a night away, with no kids! Two years ago I left a hotel key and a map in my husbands car. I think it might be time for a repeat of that - or something more creative this time. Does that count as initiating???
I was also thinking of spicing things up a little this month. I will initiate at least once a week. I will initiate at least once at a totally unexpected time. I will work some more oral into the picture.
The other day my husband made the comment that the ratio was 25:1 in his favor for giving oral. I would tend to think it is actually much more lopsided than that. I have never refused when asked but geez it must be so frustrating for him to have to ask.
There are specific reasons (excuses) why this is not part of our regular routine. First, I actually think I am allergic to him. I know that sounds bizarre and I am not sure if it is just me. I have a ton of food allergies (corn, soy, pork, milk, peanuts, the list goes on and on). I am able to still eat these things because I have a nifty symptom that lets me know that my allergies are kicking in. My palate gets sore and it actually hurts to eat. If I stop eating and wash out my mouth the pain usually goes away after about 10 minutes. At times the pain is very intense. Well same thing happens with my husband - it is very bizarre. Second, I don't think I am very good at it. Practice makes perfect - but then see point 1 - it is actually quite painful for me.
I am going to start adding this in - even if it is just for a short spurts and doesn't lead to oral happy ending.
I was also thinking of spicing things up a little this month. I will initiate at least once a week. I will initiate at least once at a totally unexpected time. I will work some more oral into the picture.
The other day my husband made the comment that the ratio was 25:1 in his favor for giving oral. I would tend to think it is actually much more lopsided than that. I have never refused when asked but geez it must be so frustrating for him to have to ask.
There are specific reasons (excuses) why this is not part of our regular routine. First, I actually think I am allergic to him. I know that sounds bizarre and I am not sure if it is just me. I have a ton of food allergies (corn, soy, pork, milk, peanuts, the list goes on and on). I am able to still eat these things because I have a nifty symptom that lets me know that my allergies are kicking in. My palate gets sore and it actually hurts to eat. If I stop eating and wash out my mouth the pain usually goes away after about 10 minutes. At times the pain is very intense. Well same thing happens with my husband - it is very bizarre. Second, I don't think I am very good at it. Practice makes perfect - but then see point 1 - it is actually quite painful for me.
I am going to start adding this in - even if it is just for a short spurts and doesn't lead to oral happy ending.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Check Point
As March begins I am happy to report that the initial resolution is going strong. I have been paying attention to things and am happy to report that not only have I kept the resolution, I am at the point were I don't want to refuse any advances. That is big - because it means that I'm not just having sex with my husband because I said I would never say no. I am at a point where I crave the intimacy and look forward to it every day.
Now that doesn't mean that there aren't times when I really crave sleep. The resolution is a reminder that as much as I need sleep, I can and should do both. AND there are times where my husband recognizes my need for sleep and will instead catch me the next morning when I am fully rested. Even though he doesn't know about my resolution he has been along for the ride and is definitely adjusting to the new norm in our sex life. The whenever you want it attitude seems to have him more in tune to my needs as well as his.
So statistically over the first 2 months - we have had sex on 52% of the days. In February I noticed a slow down in my drive, that is not to say I didn't have any drive, It just wasn't the all consuming drive that I was feeling a few weeks ago.
I have also struggled on 3 occasions with being annoyed or angry with my husband to the point that I really had no desire and it would have been difficult to keep the resolution. Here is how I am handling that. I am using the 'never go to bed angry' policy. I can't withhold sex to punish him because he made me angry - even if I am right. Building this stronger relationship has to happen in and out of bed and we have to be able to fight and make up constructively.
We went wine tasting with friends last night - and enjoyed some good conversation with our oldest when we got home. It was a great night that ended with me falling asleep. I am well rested and looking forward to catching up with him at some point today.
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