Okay so I am not happy tonight and it is for the most ridiculous reason. I know that I am being silly - but you know what, these are my feelings and I am entitled to them as long as I recognize how silly they are. I can have a me moment as long as I realize that it must be short lived, can't really impact my family or work and as long as I can put it in perspective.
Now on the perspective scale this is a minor irritation. You are going to laugh at me - heck I am laughing at me. My husband threw away my favorite thanksgiving leftover. I went to get a snack tonight and it was gone. I asked him and he admitted that he threw them away because he didn't think anyone was eating them. He only threw this away - everything else is still there.
Well yeah - I was disappointed that my food was gone. But I was really upset that my husband had no clue that this was something that I loved. Something that my sister made for me every Thanksgiving. Something that I only get once a year. That is what made me unhappy. Now I didn't yell, or cry, or whine. I did pout a bit - but I was working anyway so it was a good cover.
I know what he likes, I know what will make him happy, I make it my business to know. He doesn't make that effort.
I know he isn't built that way, I know that isn't him. But it still sucks for me. So I get to pout in my own little world.
So now it is time to get over it - tomorrow when it is not so raw (yes still being purposely ridiculous here) I will let him know that I was a bit hurt and insulted that he didn't realize that I loved that particular dish. I think he can be both alpha and aware. Just like I am supposed to be a mother to his children and then turn around and satisfy all his sexual needs.
I don't think you're being silly at all! I'd be upset too.
ReplyDeleteJust don't let it get bigger than it needs to be. Don't let it fester, be open and honest, and then let it go. All will be well. :)
Thanks for the support - I'm over it - back to my sunny personality. Looking at the positive spin, The calories went in the trash and not onto my hips!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Red Pill Wifey...I would be upset also...and unfortunately, probably would have flipped...still working on that. Hope your conversation goes well.
ReplyDeleteI can so identify, it sounds like my house. You're not being silly at all. It hurts. Good work on the positive attitude and good luck with the discussion.
ReplyDeleteB.
Just saw this blog for the first time. I LOVE it. Great concept - deliberate, conscious CHANGE. Thinking a new way, on purpose.
ReplyDeleteHere's another thought: if he was run over by a truck just after you had _The Talk About the Trashed Leftovers_, would you be all like, 'wow, I'm glad I got that off my chest, now he will have to deal with his unconscious hostility to my food choices when he travels through the tunnel to the Being of Light like they all talk about',
or would you feel a little more like 'wow, I could have found a way to say yes to him more thoroughly in that situation, now I won't have the chance...'
Is it my imagination or are the commenters who backed you up on this ("You're not being silly at all. It hurts") all women?
I'm a guy. I can't help wondering, whose fault is it that he didn't know you wanted that food? Did you ever tell him ?
Based on your anecdote, I think not? Why is he supposed to know without being told?
Compared to all the marvelous qualities he has (he sounds like an awesome husband, from your description), how important is this issue that you want to tell him how he let you down by not intuiting your love of this dish?
Why would you keep a secret of the Mrs. Yes project but make sure that he knows you are irritated and hurt that he innocently threw away your favorite food?
You said earlier that he is a highly skilled, insightful counselor (at work!) but oblivious at home. I wonder if he just wants to relax at home and not be 'on'.
I wonder if your view of him as 'oblivious' is maybe just an eensy bit... projecting?
Keep up the great work!
Thanks for the comment - I started to answer but it got so long I decided to cut and paste it and create a post dedicated to responding to your comment.
DeleteI'll answer for myself, and I doubt you would have married me.
ReplyDeleteI am first and foremost a husband and then a father.
As a father, it is my job to give my children the best starter set of values and skills I can so they become adults. I lead from the front, by example.
That includes how I deal with my wife.
Now, if I backed into somebody's car in a parking lot, I owe for that. It is NOT enough that I did not meant to, I must mean NOT to. That is the real world. If someone gets hurt, and I hurt them, then I owe.
Then it's a matter of determining how much.
When it's another person's car, I pay for it to be restored to it's previous condition. That's the real world.
He threw away your treat. He replaces it. That's the real world.
It's not an excuse that he didn't know that the car was behind him or that it was your favorite treat. It's not enough to not mean to, he has to mean not to.
So either he learns to cook, trades labor for your sister to make the treat, or comes up with some acceptable substitute. He's going to think it's too much and you might think it's too little, but the treat is the treat.
Amongst the things I tried to teach was to hurry to embrace one's errors, one's guilt.
If one does, one has a clear knowledge of what one is guilty of - and what one is NOT guilty of.
If one habitually evades guilt ( some theirs, some not ), one loses the ability to know with confidence just what one is guilty of and what one isn't. One can be manipulated through false guilt. It is a weakness the world can destroy one with.
If I did something wrong, I'll know it and fix it. If I didn't and I get pushed, i t d o e s n o t w o r k.
:-)
I say that you tell him in fullness what he has done. I say he fixes it. It doesn't matter if he thinks the care repairs are too much or it will take him four full days to learn to make that treat. Paying full price teaches one to mate due care and just how much care is due. If he won't be responsible for his acts, I wouldn't want to do business with him or be his friend. It's going to be cash on the nail and don't hang around.
It wouldn't be just about me, or just about you. It will also be about my children and my children's children.
I don't think I need to tell you what I would expect of myself if I were in your shoes. The watchwords are forthright, fair, Justice is due, but mercy is better. Love forgives as it is able. You're raising your kids too.
Wow your answer is so much better than mine. I love it. Thanks.
Delete