In Response to a Comment

A few days ago I posted Acting Like a Silly Girl and the following comment from a new reader.  I started to reply and got long winded so I decided to make it a post.  This is a great chance for thanking all those that share their thoughts via comments.  Doesn't matter if you agree, disagree, or smack me on the head and tell me I am off base, all of it leads to more discussion and a chance for me to learn and hopefully make positive change.  So the comment is in blue with my thoughts/response in red.

Just saw this blog for the first time. I LOVE it. Great concept - deliberate, conscious CHANGE. Thinking a new way, on purpose.   

Here's another thought: if he was run over by a truck just after you had _The Talk About the Trashed Leftovers_, would you be all like, 'wow, I'm glad I got that off my chest, now he will have to deal with his unconscious hostility to my food choices when he travels through the tunnel to the Being of Light like they all talk about',   The talk went like this, " I'm sorry that I got upset yesterday when you threw away my food.  I was disappointed to not have the food but then got upset because it made me feel like you sometimes don't pay much attention to what I like.  I always look forward to that particular dish."  His response, "I'm sorry".    I wouldn't have any guilt and I'm sure he wasn't feeling angry either.  The point to talking to him is not to make him feel bad, it was to explain my reaction (or overreaction).  This is something we have talked about many times, he loves me I don't doubt that and I realize how lucky I am to have that, BUT he doesn't take an interest in me the way that I make an effort to take an interest in him.  I knew that going in but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt my feeling sometimes.  

or would you feel a little more like 'wow, I could have found a way to say yes to him more thoroughly in that situation, now I won't have the chance...'    Well I was mad, and knew that in a way I was overreacting.  I didn't want to have a discussion about it while I was angry and overreacting.  If he would have wanted sex I would have said 'Yes'.  But I am not sure how I could have said yes to him more thoroughly in the moment unless I was to thank him for saving me the calories.

Is it my imagination or are the commenters who backed you up on this ("You're not being silly at all. It hurts") all women?     Two are women, the third is anonymous so I am guessing yes.  I was actually expecting a little more harsh treatment - especially from the male readers.  I wasn't fishing for support, but I'll take it.  I was venting because where else but on an anonymous blog can I reveal how silly I feel about being upset by something so trivial.

I'm a guy. I can't help wondering, whose fault is it that he didn't know you wanted that food? Did you ever tell him ?
Based on your anecdote, I think not? Why is he supposed to know without being told?   Ah you are wrong here - we have specifically talked about this because he doesn't care for it, It is too sweet for his taste.  So I can say without a doubt that we had this conversation on more than one occasion, usually when we discuss the Thanksgiving menu.    Now is that info something that I absolutely need him to remember, not really, I never said I was rational.  I should tell you that he is not one for remembering dates, names or whether I like green peppers (he is always messing that up).  In fact he forgot my name the first time we had sex.  This was 4 months after we met and I like to believe that he had temporary memory loss because the sex was so great.  He was trying to pull my name, and I was thinking "wow, I'm gonna marry this guy" - how funny is that.

Compared to all the marvelous qualities he has (he sounds like an awesome husband, from your description), how important is this issue that you want to tell him how he let you down by not intuiting your love of this dish?  I don't want to repeat myself too much.  He is wonderful on many levels, but is also really bad at some things.  This was less about the particular offense (throwing out food I love) and more about the fact that we have talked about that I love this - more than once and it didn't stick.  That hurt my feelings because it makes me feel like he didn't make the effort.  I get to have hurt feelings, I get to express why I was hurt, I don't get to be mad for days, I don't get to hold it against him.  I wan't PMSing so I can't blame that, I don't remember being upset or tired either, just rubbed the wrong way - it happens to the best of us.

Why would you keep a secret of the Mrs. Yes project but make sure that he knows you are irritated and hurt that he innocently threw away your favorite food?  I get to keep a secret for of the Mrs. Yes project because I think of this as a change I am making, it is in a way a gift to him.  I feel, and I could be wrong here, that I get more out of it and make a truer deeper change by not putting  it out in the open.  I really think that if I told him that I was trying to never reject him it would actually be easier for me to find ways to reject him.  Boy that is really screwed up logic, and I guess I will report back in January about whether keeping this as my secret would have made a difference.  In 2013 and for the rest of my life I will be Mrs. Yes, it is a life time change.  I will not only not say No - I will say Yes!!!    I make sure that he knows about my reaction the other night because it is not fair for me to behave that way without explanation.  I didn't blame him for anything, there was no attack, just a calm statement..  

You said earlier that he is a highly skilled, insightful counselor (at work!) but oblivious at home. I wonder if he just wants to relax at home and not be 'on'.  That is a certainly possible, but is it fair?  In a long term relationship it is okay to relax sometimes, but not okay to decide not to give your best effort.  I think it is more that it is easy to analyze others and harder to analyze yourself.  But my degree is in computer science so that is my unprofessional opinion.

I wonder if your view of him as 'oblivious' is maybe just an eensy bit... projecting? Okay so he is the counselor not me, I'm not totally up on projecting.  But I do know that he would rather ignore and hope it goes away.  He does not want to talk things out with me.  This makes it very hard for me as I end up talking and he stares at me, or leaves.  It isn't the healthiest way to deal with conflict.  Fortunately for us there isn't a lot of conflict, we are a pretty good match.

Keep up the great work!  Thanks I will.  Glad you found me, hope you come back and we can have more insightful conversations.  Hopefully from the rest of the blog entries you can see the total me, I'm not as ridiculous as that silly girl, but once and a while she comes out and I have to own her!

Acting like a silly girl

Okay so I am not happy tonight and it is for the most ridiculous reason.  I know that I am being silly - but you know what, these are my feelings and I am entitled to them as long as I recognize how silly they are.  I can have a me moment as long as I realize that it must be short lived, can't really impact my family or work and as long as I can put it in perspective.

Now on the perspective scale this is a minor irritation.  You are going to laugh at me - heck I am laughing at me.  My husband threw away my favorite thanksgiving leftover.  I went to get a snack tonight and it was gone.  I asked him and he admitted that he threw them away because he didn't think anyone was eating them.  He only threw this away - everything else is still there.

Well yeah - I was disappointed that my food was gone.  But I was really upset that my husband had no clue that this was something that I loved.  Something that my sister made for me every Thanksgiving.  Something that I only get once a year.  That is what made me unhappy.  Now I didn't yell, or cry, or whine.  I did pout a bit - but I was working anyway so it was a good cover.

I know what he likes, I know what will make him happy, I make it my business to know.  He doesn't make that effort.

I know he isn't built that way, I know that isn't him.  But it still sucks for me.  So I get to pout in my own little world.

So now it is time to get over it - tomorrow when it is not so raw (yes still being purposely ridiculous here) I will let him know that I was a bit hurt and insulted that he didn't realize that I loved that particular dish.  I think he can be both alpha and aware.  Just like I am supposed to be a mother to his children and then turn around and satisfy all his sexual needs.

Things to be Thankful for

So a few days behind - but I don't reserve counting my blessings and being thankful for a single day of the year so it is cool!

I am thankful for:

• A good strong marriage - 22 years so far
• A husband that still finds me sexy, still makes inappropriate comments, still makes an effort, still makes me feel young
• A healthy sex drive
• A husband that satisfies my healthy sex drive
• Kids that are deep sleepers
• A partner that knows all my annoying imperfections and loves me anyway
• My desire to be a better wife, mother, person - it is a work in progress but I am so thankful that I can see the things that can and should be better

I am thankful for:

• My beautiful, respectful, responsible, motivated children - all 4 of them most of the time
• My annoying, whining, lazy children - all 4 of them some of the time
• My good health and the good health of my family
• Homemade gifts from my children (the little boys have made homemade Christmas gifts for everyone this year - can't wait to see them)
• Christmas lists that don't break the bank, my oldest asked for a t-shirt and hat, my daughter for 3 books.  These are 19 and 17 year old kids, with friends that are quite spoiled.  I love that they recognize that the holiday is not about getting a lot of expensive trinkets.
• Christmas lists from my boys that still believe in Santa
• My job that allows me to work from home and make a very good living while putting my family first
• College scholarships that make it possible for us to send our kids to great schools
• Kids that get good grades so that they can get college scholarships
• Friends that love me
• My freedom

I am thankful for:

• My blog - the free thinking space 
• Comments that encourage me
• Comments that point out when I am wrong
• Comments that tell me to stop bitching and get something done
• Other bloggers that share their intimate thoughts with the world

Flash back Monday

So as I mentioned in my last few posts the bedroom has been used mostly for sleeping the past few weeks.  I was out of town, then came that 'time of the month', then my husband was sick.  We were 3 for 14, which really sucks, but it happens.  Then there was Monday.  We were 3 for 3 on Monday - it was like we were 18 and 21 again.

See when I was 18 and my husband was 21 were were newly dating and living 400 miles apart.  We had no cell phones, no computers and he had no phone in his barracks room.  So we wrote letters via snail mail and saw each other about once a month.

When we did see each other there was a lot of sex.  Yesterday was like that.  There was sex in the morning, my husband woke me up before he went to work, which is good because I think I would have been cranky yesterday if I had to go another day.  Then last night we snuggled up and had some really good, intense, take your time and do it right sex.  The kind I have been craving.  Then guess what - we did it again.  The third time was actually the best, more intense, hot and with purpose!

For those of you that are old like me, and have been with the same person for 25 years, 3 times in one day is pretty good.  Especially when it is quality AND quantity.  When even after you are fully satisfied, you can be that aroused again by the same old person you have been with for what seems like forever.  To be able to get hot and bothered right on the heels of an awesome sexual experience and rally to take it to another level, that is something I will carry with me.

I slept like a champ and now I sit here and wonder if the after effects of our sessions yesterday has my husband thinking about me the way it has me thinking about him.

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Something else I've learned

2012 has been a year of learning all kinds of thing about my sex life, the way things work in my marriage and in me.  It has been a ton of fun and I think well worth the time.  I also think that it is a great thing to analyze and be aware of all the factors that play into and impact my sex life.  That said I also need to be careful to keep that analysis out of the bedroom, my mind should be totally focused on the act when engaged in said act.

So - it has been a VERY slow sex week.  My husband has been very sick.  It is some sort of virus that has him hacking up crap and having uncontrollable coughing fits.  Now in our marriage this is usually me, I have terrible lungs, damaged from radiation treatments from when I had cancer.  Throw some asthma on top of that and I am often coughing up crap and having trouble breathing.  I will say that this week he has taken this to a new level, w have been drugging him at night so he can sleep.

So for me, I really want sex, but I really don't want anything to do with the coughing icky mess that is my husband.  Fortunately for me he is so sick that he is not making any advances or even hinting a little bit that he would like to give it a go.  So I am doing my best to get him the rest he needs so he feels better and can get back to satisfying his marital duties!

As I was laying in bed last night - after he had passed out, I realized that I had stumbled upon another difference between my husband's sex drive and mine.  My sex drive is not just driven by how much I want sex, it takes into account the state of my partner.  My husband on the other hand, his sex drive is not impacted by the coughing, wheezing, snotty mess that I often am.  He wants sex even when I am an absolute mess.  Now he will at times let me sleep when I need it - but that is for my benefit not his.  That is him saying 'she needs rest, I will catch up with her tomorrow' - not 'she is just too sick and it is turning me off'.

I think this is much more global than just my marriage, there are parallels here that might be interesting to explore - but I have a 5th grade science project that I have to oversee and help put the final touches on so that exploration will have to take place on another day.  For now my sick husband is snuggled up watching a movie and has a day of being catered to while he watches college football.  Hopefully there will be at least some maintenance sex tonight.

My face is up here...

Alright - so maybe it is a girl thing - maybe not.  Last night my husband went straight for the kill - and I definitely said "My face is up here."  

So I was able to slow the roll and redirect the activities, everything worked out quite well and he was allowed to move in for the kill eventually.  

Some days I am fine with the approach he tried to take last night - but I wasn't really feeling it last night.  At first I had this little internal dialogue going on, but that was so 'the old me'.  Last year I would have just been disappointed, now I just spoke up.  

Tonight I will move in for the kill - and I will bet that my husband will not indicate that his face is up there.  Anyone want to take that bet????

Happy Veterans Day

The kids and husband are off again today in celebration of Veterans Day.  My husband is a veteran, we met while he was in the Marine Corps.  I spent a little over 3 years as a military wife.  It is not an easy life and I respect all that serve and the sacrifices that they (and their families) make.

I don't remember Veterans day being a big deal when I was growing up - I'm not sure if I was just clueless or if it really has come back into fashion in the last 20 years due to the increased activity that our military has seen.

My husband served from 1984 to 1993, and basically for him between 84 and 90 there was really no danger of seeing any action.  He was deployed to the first Gulf War in 1991 and returned in 1992.  Things cooled off a bit and then after 9/11 our military has seen a lot of action.  I am not going to say that I agree with all of the decisions that have been made by our military leaders but I support our men and women on the ground.

At the same time I recognize that military action always results in death and injury.  That there are innocents killed, homes and lives destroyed on both sides of the conflict.  It is very sad.

In any case I am pleased to see that Veterans get the recognition and thanks they deserve.  For all of those that protest military actions - please take today to thank a veteran for the right to protest!  I love the irony in that.

The new me and what I should have called this blog

So two things today.  First, back in February I was new at this and it was all very exciting.  I was seeing change and facing challenges.  That was when I first started to see how this change was effecting my sex drive. My sex drive has always been there, but never at the same level as my husbands.  I think that is because I didn't allow myself to go with it.  I didn't make sex one of my priorities.  If something had to go sex was expendable.

With my resolution I made sex a priority.  Initially for my husband and my marriage.  It has now become a priority for me.  It has made me aware of my sex drive and allowed me to include that on the things in life that are important and help to bring happiness and contentment to my life.

Again I don't want to sound like a crazed sex machine, but I do think about sex several times a day.  I think about when, where and how.  It is totally normal to me now so it is less of the 'wow' factor I was seeing earlier in the year, this is my new norm.

I am the 'scheduler' of most things in for our family and now as I schedule I think about sex and how that will be impacted.  For example on Sunday morning my husband was up early to go to a football game, everyone else was still asleep - including me.  When he came in to get dressed I woke up and reminded him that I was leaving to go out of town in the afternoon and would be gone for 3 days.  I suggested that he come back to bed and take care of business - which he did.  I think his sex planning is really on a day to day basis.  He thinks about that morning, afternoon or night.  I am now making sure that we cover the bases around the rest of the schedule.

Second thing.  I really think I missed the mark when I named this blog.  I am not sure why it took me so long to realize it.  I got my name 'Mrs. Yes' right but the blog itself - I screwed that up.  You see this effort is more about saying yes than never saying no.  While there are definitely days that your partner will take someone that doesn't say 'No' - what they really want is for you to say 'Yes!'

I would say that I am 99% yes and 1% not saying no.  It is just more positive and exciting to say yes.  To have full buy in that not only am I going to let you have me, but I am going to participate.  I am going to initiate and fully commit to your needs and my needs.

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Some thoughts on the blog world

I have really enjoyed blogging - it is like having this other group of friends that share really intimate things, offer great insight and for the most part don't judge.  Blogs also offer the freedom of being somewhat anonymous.  I share things on my blog that I don't share with my closest friends.  In fact until Jan 1, 2013, I am sharing things here I haven't shared with my husband.

Blogs give me views into lifestyles and viewpoints that I never knew existed.  I don't agree with all of the choices folks make and there are many that I can't imagine taking part in, but I love to learn about them and I can respect that if it works for someone and makes them happy then it isn't my place to judge.

I feel more worldly and aware.  I love that others are sharing so that I can discover what is out there. 

In short - I'm glad you all found me and I really enjoy discovering your view of the world.  Thanks for the adventures!

Just so you know - it is 9:33 and I am getting ready to stick the kids in bed and call the husband up to bed.  I am headed out of town tomorrow and I need to make sure that I leave him in a good mood and counting the days until I get home.

A close call

Yesterday was a busy day and as I closed my computer at 11:00 my husband was in bed watching a movie. I fell asleep watching with him, I was in that state of sleep where I could hear things going on, I was in and out - but totally didn't have the energy to open my eyes.  I heard my husband turn off his movie and get ready for bed and I had a moment of panic.  I was afraid that he would want sex, and I honestly didn't know if I could wake up and I really really didn't want to.  I don't remember anything else until I woke up at 3:30.

I've mentioned it before and I will say it again, there was no need for me to worry last night.  My husband doesn't need to bother his exhausted wife, he knows that there is no danger of his needs and desires not being met.  He can let me sleep.  Now that doesn't mean I'm not woken up in the morning, which is fine as that is after a good nights sleep.

So tonight I will make sure to do something special for him - starting hopefully with a happy hour date, some costume shopping and then some alone time tonight.

Have a great weekend!

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Scored some points this morning

I woke up this morning to my husband crawling back into bed with his very cold hands and assorted other very cold body parts.  It was 6 am and it was cold.  I score wife points today for sending my husband off to work with a smile on his face and hopefully thinking about me all day.  With any luck we can have a repeat performance tonight with me slightly more awake.

Yesterday marked my daughter's last field hockey game - ever.  She will miss playing and I will miss watching her, but she is growing up.

Yesterday was also Halloween.  We had great weather and a great time.  I think the kids went to at least 50 houses - and got to visit with friends and neighbors we don't see very often.  We didn't even get one trick or treater at our house.  We live in a neighborhood that is mostly older folks - nobody ever comes to our house.

I have a Halloween party and wine tasting to attend on Saturday.  I'm taking suggestions for costumes and I am headed out to the Halloween store for ideas and bargains today!

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