I was thinking a bit more about my motivation for keeping this resolution a secret. I haven't told anyone about it except anonymously here in the blog world.
Initially the official reasons were:
- If my husband knew he would be very tempted to dare me to have sex with him in some inappropriate places or situations.
- I will say that I trust my husband and he respects me - he would do this jokingly and expect me to say no, I need to make sure that this was not about how far I would go to keep the resolution and more about living up to the promises I made when I married him.
- This was a change in me and I didn't want my husband to have to change anything
- I am not sure if this holds water, but could it be that I didn't want him to feel like the pressure was on him more now to perform? Who knows what I am thinking sometimes.
- I've never actually kept a resolution for an entire year. Thinking back now I was probably subconsciously protecting myself and allowing that out if I failed.
- I did keep one resolution but it almost feels like it doesn't count because it isn't daily and it is fun - one year I resolved to get back into sports by joining teams, that was 14 years ago and I still play on various sports teams. But this isn't a constant thing that I feel like I had to work at daily.
- I think that if I told him and then there was some annoyance or disagreement I could actually use the resolution as a tool or weapon and decide to take it away.
- Wow isn't that bitchy, I'm not sure I would but that I could even think about it now is really repulsive to me. I think sex is a powerful force in a relationship and can be used as incentive and can be held back as punishment or some sort of power struggle.
- If I tell him I will never refuse him, will I feel rejected if he isn't after me all the time
- This is a thought I had yesterday while I was responding to a comment on my last post. This one is pretty scary for me because as I have said this resolution will continue for the rest of my life. So I better get some realistic expectations and be ready for 2013 and beyond.
- Its fun to have a secret
- This secret blog and my secret dedication of myself to my husband I think it makes things more exciting. This makes me feel a bit guilty and question my motivation, fortunately I am pretty good at debate and can get myself past it.
By the way I have a nice view as I sit in my nice warm house of my husband out in the cold cutting down trees and then cutting them up and clearing the debris. He really loves his chain saw - bet he doesn't know that while it scares me when he uses it - it is also quite sexy.