Wednesday, December 19, 2012


I usually have some idea what I am going to write about when I sit down.  Today I am just procrastinating, I should be working and just can't get into it.  So I will write about whatever comes to mind.

First, I am sick, which sucks.  It came on pretty quickly yesterday afternoon, sore throat and coughing that hurts my lungs.  Hopefully it leaves as quickly as it arrived.  I have a fun weekend planned and want to be able to enjoy it.

Second, shootings in schools.  I have done my best to stay away from the coverage, not because I am not heartbroken for the victims - those that died and those that survived and their relatives, but because I know that all the media coverage leads to some other unstable person planning something that will make them famous.  Publishing and glorifying this individual leads to others that would probably still hurt themselves or someone else to plan an attack like this one to be remembered for their terrible actions.

Third, sex has not been great this week. Lots of late nights for me including getting several middle of the night calls.  So I am tired.  My husband has a cold that makes him all snotty and which makes him slightly less desirable to me.  I want to take care of him but not in that way.  I didn't deny him, and he didn't ask.  We also had one night where neither of us was in the mood because we had a little disagreement earlier in the day.

We did have sex this morning - I really didn't want to, I was so tired.  I took night time cough medicine last night and snuggled up on my husbands chest and he rubbed my back while I fell asleep.  I know he wanted sex, but I fell asleep.  So this morning we had sex, but I admit to being half asleep and not making much effort.  I have to wonder if that is why my husband wasn't able to finish.  If I had made more effort and been more of a willing partner would he have had his happy ending.  Anyway, it was a no go for him so he got into the shower, I went back to sleep.  After his shower he wanted to try one more time, so we tried again, slightly more effort on my part this time, still I wasn't totally into it.  Still no happy ending.  So my husband thanked me for my services, and I am serious here he did say thank you, and he went to work.

As I sit here now I wonder, what part did my not saying no but not really saying yes have to do with this?  I'm not a guy but I still think he was happier going off to work having tried than not.  And I have to come to grips that I won't always be able to say 'YES!'.

Okay - 20 minutes until my first meeting of the day - time to get back to real life.



  1. Hi Mrs Yes,

    I just finished reading all your posts so far. I applaud your commitment and honest reflection.

    "I'm not a guy but I still think he was happier going off to work having tried than not."

    Just speaking for myself, I've never been happy about trying and failing, ie, I got soft and/or couldn't finish. Basic physical sexual competency is a sensitive part of the male ego. That said, it's possible - and again, I'm just speaking from my own experience - he wasn't feeling it but tried because he believed it was expected. Sometimes, men fake it, too - perhaps not the physical part (I don't know if that's possible), but the desire or passion for the act just isn't there.

    That's just an aside. My curious question is about your early observation that your sex drive correlates with your menstrual cycle, ie, your period, neutral, high, low, then repeat. You later observed you could compensate for a low sex drive with wine.

    At this point of your 2012 resolution, do you find that the pattern of your sex drive is still tied to your menstrual cycle? Or has your sex drive been altered by the conscious retraining/repogramming you've done to yourself this year?

    Thank you for the window into your journey.

  2. I think for him he could have finished with enough time - but in the morning we don't have the luxury of time and he knows when he will be able to finish quickly and when he won't - the case this morning was one of those - a quickie wasn't happening, even after two tries.

    As for you question about drive. Early on I did notice that my drive was tied to my cycle, but now it is more like you mentioned I am reprogrammed. I really do think about sex as it relates to my life and my relationship. I look forward to it and although there are times when I am more into it than others I am always ready.

    I attribute always being ready to my own desires, as well as a desire to please my husband. I get a charge out of being able to give him what he wants. I really do want him to be sexually satisfied and that leads to great things in other aspects of our life and relationship.

    Thanks for reading and for comments that make me explore this even more!

  3. Another guy here. Sometimes it just doesn't want to happen. With a time limitation, performance stress can be a real killer. Your being tired and only partially into it may have played a part too sublte for him to conciously read, but his body picked up on it. I can tell when my wife's body is excited, especially her vagina. I lose focus when I realize she is not into it.

    If you have been married 21 years, he is in or very near his 40's. One clue to whether or not nature is at play here is the degree to which his erection angles up. I suspect he is closer to horizontal than pointing 10 degrees off of straight up by now. That is indicative of a lack of adequate blood flow into and subsequent retention of blood within the penis. With a history of chronic high blood pressure that could have gone untreated for a while, the very small blood vessels in the penis deteriorate reducing the flow in. The vessels then have to constrict through a chemical reaction so they do not allow the blood to flow out prematurely. Lack of blood flow could be affecting the sensitvity of his erection in such a way that quickies are a thing of the past. He may still have enough sensitivity to have a quickie, but like the past. I am talking ultra-quickes. So quick you will be left with being little more than a recptacle. There won't be time for you unless you come prepared: desiring, excited, aroused, lubricated and one bump off of orgasm.
    It's not like premature ejaculation over which he has no control; it's more a case of the necessary sensitvity to orgasm is sufficient for a very limited amount of time, maybe as little as 2 to 3 minutes. After that, he has to work psychologically and physically to ramp the sensitivity back up to orgasm level which may be 5 or many more minutes later. That's why sometimes quickies don't work like they used to, but the old tried and true still does. It does require more very direct stimulation than it used to though. Puzzling though it may be to you, to the point of an "How convenient for you!" attitude, vaginal intercourse will become less effective for him as a stimulant. Your manual stimulation will be more effective, and (Yes, here it comes) oral will be even more effective than your hand. Not only is the mouth a soft, warm, lubricated orifice that mimics the vagina, but it is more versitile than the vagina ever thought about being. Between teeth, tongue, lip, sound and suction it can be pysically way more stimulating than the vagina. Does this mean PIV is off the playlist. No. It just means as he ages and requires more extensive and intense physical and psychological stimulation, sometimes only the mouth can pull the rabbit out of the hat. No. It doesn't mean he has to finish there or you have to swallow. That's a discussion point between the two of you. It just means sometimes it may be the ONLY way for him to climax and ejaculate. It's up to you two to explore your options. I have had both PIV and manual fail at times, but I don't ever remember oral failing unless I was not in the right place mentally because of stress before I started. Yeah, contrary to popular belief a stiff one CAN have a conscience.

    He may get lucky and dodge this bullet for a while, but the odds are statistically not in his favor to be totally unaffected. The annoying thing is, guys' bodies don't adjust as well as womens' when denied orgasm. We can deal with it, but it is the goal we are shooting for and it is both physically and psychologically unpleasnt to miss it. I'm not saying it's any fun for women to go orgamless either, but the literature says they are better able to cope with it since the concurrent closeness is a big payoff for them, not just the Big O. That's what they say anyway. Maybe they need to ask more women and that bit of information will become the stuff of folklore and urban legends.