I'd like to buy a vowel

So this is a bit awkward ... I've lost my "O" and I can't seem to find it.  I am not sure if it is some sort of change in my body or if it is psychological.  I can tell you it is quite frustrating.

I did share this frustration with my husband and he suggested I talk with a doctor - but yeah I'm not there yet.

As a woman it is bad when you have lost even your ability to find your own happy ending.  I am in that place now and have been for a few months.

I can find that happy place with the help of toys - but would be nice to get back to being able to find it without something that is battery operated.

Now - don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean I don't enjoy sex with my husband.  I still find pleasure and still look forward to sex with my husband.  I just don't get the happy ending I used to.

Toys have been a novelty with us - not used often.  I may be entering a time when they need to become the norm and not the exception and I am not sure how I feel about that.  Here are a few issues:

• If you have been following my journey you know me as a woman who is still not exactly confident or comfortable with expressing my own needs.  Crazy that I can have this blog and be open and honest but then have trouble communicating that in real life.  So introducing toys on my own will be a struggle - in the past it has always been my husband that initiates the use of toys.
• In the past when I have tried to introduce toys -he had a reaction that really rubbed me the wrong way (no pun intended).  I wanted this to be something that I was bringing to the table willingly and it was like the prude came out in him.  On some level I think he may have been embarrassed that his wife was at a sex toy party and did that mean that he was not able to satisfy his wife, or it could just be that he is fine being kinky in the bedroom but really just wanted to keep that private.  For that second possibility I tried to engage him in shopping via catalog as a couple but he showed no interest in that either.
• My husband is very anti 50 Shades of Grey.  I read the series - haven't seen the movie, don't really see any point in seeing it if it isn't something I watch with my husband.  He has no issue with late night soft porn but totally scoffs at 50 Shades.  You would think a husband would take full advantage of his wife reading an erotic novel.

I do know that this is an issue I have to deal with so my plan is to grow a pair and pull out a toy and add it to the mix.  This is my sex life too - I have to take responsibility for my own pleasure.  I so crack myself up - already anticipating the internal dialogue that will go on probably tonight as I give myself a pre-sex pep talk.  Go Team!!