So I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth - but I haven't been able to spend any time in the blog world or the real world for quite some time now. I am working around the clock - as I transition into a new position at work I am basically doing 2 jobs full time and have been since August 4th. I will be back to one job on September 1st and I can't wait.
I am trying to make sure that I still have some fun - but it has been really hard not spending time with the family and basically just working. I am even having trouble fitting showers in - how pathetic is that.
In other news I went to my first sex toy party the other day. So funny. My husband had a very odd reaction to it - and that embarrassed me a bit. We don't have a lot of toys, we have used them in the past and he has talked about getting them for me. I took quite a bit of time carefully picking out some things for both of us and I was really excited to go home and share the catalog with him so we might be able to pick some things out together. I can't even describe his weird behavior except to say that it was off putting. I was so upset by his reaction that I hid the catalog and almost want to just keep the toys to myself when they get here.
I know I have some odd Catholic guilt and nice girls don't complexes to get past and his slight remarks about the party really made me feel almost embarrassed about having bought toys or attending the party. I of course over reacted and told him he was being mean about the whole things and left the room.
I guess when the package arrives it will be a good time to let him know that this was a huge leap for me and that I need to understand why he reacted like he did. I don't think he meant to put me off that way but he missed a huge opportunity to work with me and managed to put up some road blocks as well.
I guess I am trying to understand and meet his needs and he missed the boat on understanding and meeting my needs. I think he just is uncomfortable about a bunch of women sitting in a room full of vibrating battery powered things. He could have told me that before I went and I would have been fine just doing a catalog order and not going to the actual party.
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Oh, that's such a disappointing reaction he had, Mrs Yes! But just as you've mentioned your own Catholic guilt in your self-analysis, he probably has the same thing going on... and you sound like you're willing to work through it for the better. He's very lucky to have someone who's so positive about trying new things and willing to work with him.
ReplyDeleteI like the approach you're planning for when the package arrives. Reasonable communication is always a plus.
Still rooting for you! :D
All right, let me jump in and help out here.
ReplyDeleteFirst, your husband was probably shocked, if this was your first foray into sex toys. Most men get used to their wives having fairly static ideas and standards about sex, so if you didn't use a vibe at the beginning of the relationship, then doing it suddenly is possibly going to make him go all deer-in-the-headlights. Give him a few days to get used to the idea, then re-visit it again, more calmly.
Second, there is likely a part of his mind that is thinking "why is she bringing this up now? Has she become unsatisfied with my performance and needs assistance to orgasm?" Believe it or not, dudes are just as insecure about sexual performance as women are, and some guys will take a sudden enthusiasm for toys to mean "You just aren't cutting it anymore, and I need a Battery Operated Boyfriend" on the side." Reassure him that this is in no way a commentary on his performance, but an adventurous experiment that you would like to share with him. Once he knows it isn't him, he'll relax and be more open to the idea.
(Apropos to that, when the package does arrive, make sure that you only use toys about 1/3 of the time, lest he feel that you're dependent upon them or not happy with him. Unless he really likes them, in which case follow his lead)
Thirdly, while dudes aren't always enthusiastic about sex toys, they are usually pretty enthused about porn. Did you include any DVDs in your purchases? That might help him feel less anxious about it.
Fourthly, there is the possibility that he was secretly enthusiastic, but did not want you to judge him for being overly-enthusiastic or displaying an interest in something that you might not approve of. For example, if he had grabbed the catalog out of your hand, went straight for the anal plug page, and said "Darn! The biggest one they have is 9"!" then you might have looked at him a little funny.
Integrating sex toys into your marriage is a delicate thing, this far out. Don't take his cool reaction personally -- next time you have a date night, dig out the catalog afterward, drink a glass of wine, and go through it page by page, just for fun. But don't spring it on him suddenly -- dudes spook easily when it comes to their performance.
Hope this helps.
He likes toys - so I think it is more of the sitting around with other women actually looking at them that freaked him out a bit. We have never really been into porn outside of late night HBO stuff and some Cinemax, as odd as it seems he tends to turn it even though I would like to watch (another hurdle for me to tell him to keep it on - next time I promise I will). He did know about the party for a full month and that is why his reaction on the day off was so odd. I appreciate your insight and will let you know - that when we do use toys he initiates it - another one of my sit back and let him take control thing that I would like to change but I am dealing with baby steps here. Buying them was one thing - actually using them will be difficult for me to do without his support and encouragement. Thanks for the insight - it is always appreciated.
DeleteI hope things settle down for you soon workwise. Sounds crazy busy.
ReplyDeleteon another note, buy the eroscillator. you will not be disappointed.
ReplyDelete