Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Not For Everyone

My time at the beach was spent with 4 other women and it made me realize that this resolution I have only works because I have a good relationship outside of the bedroom with my husband.

One of the women at the beach is very happily separated from her husband.  Prior to the separation she was in a sexless marriage. This was her choice not her husband's and it wasn't due to the quality of sex it was due to them not connecting as partners.  I think it was the whole alpha / beta thing.  They are both happier and getting more action now that they have separated.

One of the women is still married but the marriage is in trouble and she is beginning to take steps to end it.

One of the women is happily married but sex has never been a huge part of her marriage.  I am not great friends with this couple and things may have improved in the last few years but as I understand it sex is very infrequent and requires certain conditions.  They would fit the definition of being in a sexless marriage but it seems to work for them (at least from the outside observer). I can't speak from the husband's view as we have never spoken directly about this but the outsider would classify them as happily married.

I met the other woman for the first time.  From the time I spent with her she appears to have a very good relationship with her husband inside and outside of the bedroom.  

I realized that for 2 of these ladies my resolution would never work for them.  They would increase the sex in the relationship but not achieve increased intimacy.  You can't build intimacy when you don't connect on a personal level.  This is an important distinction that I didn't grasp.  My thinking was 'every husband deserves a wife that puts out'.  That thinking is flawed.  I'm not sure if this should be 'every good husband deserves a wife that puts out' or maybe 'in a good marriage a husband deserves a wife that puts out'.  I think the difference here is that you can be a good husband in a marriage that still doesn't work.  The important thing is that I realize that having a wife that will meet all her husband's sexual needs and never reject them does not mean that the marriage will work.  I am so lucky that in my case I have all the other aspects that make a good marriage.

This thinking was confirmed by a recent post on another blog, Alphaplease, where the husband has come to the realization that he could be having more sex but that may not get him to where he really wants to be in his marriage.  He needs more from his wife than just sex.

While I believe there is a strong correlation between good sex and a good strong relationship there are points where bringing sex back into a rocky relationship isn't enough.  If we can pass to our children that they need to work at keeping the sexual aspect of their relationship strong that will help to keep them together as a couple.  We can't build a relationship on sex but we can strengthen it and maintain it with a healthy sexual relationship.  


  1. Nicely put.

    I'm curious as to who wrote that post you referred to? I would like to read it.

    1. Thanks for the reminder - I meant to put a link in there - have since updated to include link.


  2. I definitely agree with the past paragraph you wrote. It's interesting how after spending time with other couples we realize our own blessings in so many ways.

  3. Love your blog. The thing that happens when you have sex more often is that you realize that either things are pretty good or they are not. If the relationship is not good, if i don't have to fuck you, I can coast along in mediocrity for quite a while. But once forced to confront one of the partner's needs for intimacy, and sex freq is increased, it starts becoming hard to overlook the deficiencies in the relationship.

    Keep posting. This is good stuff.

  4. Found you via private man. You said,

    "This was her choice not her husband's and it wasn't due to the quality of sex it was due to them not connecting as partners. I think it was the whole alpha / beta thing. They are both happier and getting more action now that they have separated."

    Actually, and I'm not passing judgement or claiming to know your friend's circumstance, in a lot situations having more sex with your husband will result in more Alpha behavior. Sex gives men a certain swagger - makes us give off a certain vibe. I know I'm always more confident, out-going, and dominant when I've just finished ram-rodding a broad.

    1. They had lots of sex early on and there were many other issues. She totally lost interest in him. I totally agree with you - everything about my husband is better when he is getting it regularly - and I would say the same is true of me. Sex is a great thing - made greater if you have someone cool to share it with.