In Response to a Comment

A few days ago I posted Acting Like a Silly Girl and the following comment from a new reader.  I started to reply and got long winded so I decided to make it a post.  This is a great chance for thanking all those that share their thoughts via comments.  Doesn't matter if you agree, disagree, or smack me on the head and tell me I am off base, all of it leads to more discussion and a chance for me to learn and hopefully make positive change.  So the comment is in blue with my thoughts/response in red.

Just saw this blog for the first time. I LOVE it. Great concept - deliberate, conscious CHANGE. Thinking a new way, on purpose.   

Here's another thought: if he was run over by a truck just after you had _The Talk About the Trashed Leftovers_, would you be all like, 'wow, I'm glad I got that off my chest, now he will have to deal with his unconscious hostility to my food choices when he travels through the tunnel to the Being of Light like they all talk about',   The talk went like this, " I'm sorry that I got upset yesterday when you threw away my food.  I was disappointed to not have the food but then got upset because it made me feel like you sometimes don't pay much attention to what I like.  I always look forward to that particular dish."  His response, "I'm sorry".    I wouldn't have any guilt and I'm sure he wasn't feeling angry either.  The point to talking to him is not to make him feel bad, it was to explain my reaction (or overreaction).  This is something we have talked about many times, he loves me I don't doubt that and I realize how lucky I am to have that, BUT he doesn't take an interest in me the way that I make an effort to take an interest in him.  I knew that going in but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt my feeling sometimes.  

or would you feel a little more like 'wow, I could have found a way to say yes to him more thoroughly in that situation, now I won't have the chance...'    Well I was mad, and knew that in a way I was overreacting.  I didn't want to have a discussion about it while I was angry and overreacting.  If he would have wanted sex I would have said 'Yes'.  But I am not sure how I could have said yes to him more thoroughly in the moment unless I was to thank him for saving me the calories.

Is it my imagination or are the commenters who backed you up on this ("You're not being silly at all. It hurts") all women?     Two are women, the third is anonymous so I am guessing yes.  I was actually expecting a little more harsh treatment - especially from the male readers.  I wasn't fishing for support, but I'll take it.  I was venting because where else but on an anonymous blog can I reveal how silly I feel about being upset by something so trivial.

I'm a guy. I can't help wondering, whose fault is it that he didn't know you wanted that food? Did you ever tell him ?
Based on your anecdote, I think not? Why is he supposed to know without being told?   Ah you are wrong here - we have specifically talked about this because he doesn't care for it, It is too sweet for his taste.  So I can say without a doubt that we had this conversation on more than one occasion, usually when we discuss the Thanksgiving menu.    Now is that info something that I absolutely need him to remember, not really, I never said I was rational.  I should tell you that he is not one for remembering dates, names or whether I like green peppers (he is always messing that up).  In fact he forgot my name the first time we had sex.  This was 4 months after we met and I like to believe that he had temporary memory loss because the sex was so great.  He was trying to pull my name, and I was thinking "wow, I'm gonna marry this guy" - how funny is that.

Compared to all the marvelous qualities he has (he sounds like an awesome husband, from your description), how important is this issue that you want to tell him how he let you down by not intuiting your love of this dish?  I don't want to repeat myself too much.  He is wonderful on many levels, but is also really bad at some things.  This was less about the particular offense (throwing out food I love) and more about the fact that we have talked about that I love this - more than once and it didn't stick.  That hurt my feelings because it makes me feel like he didn't make the effort.  I get to have hurt feelings, I get to express why I was hurt, I don't get to be mad for days, I don't get to hold it against him.  I wan't PMSing so I can't blame that, I don't remember being upset or tired either, just rubbed the wrong way - it happens to the best of us.

Why would you keep a secret of the Mrs. Yes project but make sure that he knows you are irritated and hurt that he innocently threw away your favorite food?  I get to keep a secret for of the Mrs. Yes project because I think of this as a change I am making, it is in a way a gift to him.  I feel, and I could be wrong here, that I get more out of it and make a truer deeper change by not putting  it out in the open.  I really think that if I told him that I was trying to never reject him it would actually be easier for me to find ways to reject him.  Boy that is really screwed up logic, and I guess I will report back in January about whether keeping this as my secret would have made a difference.  In 2013 and for the rest of my life I will be Mrs. Yes, it is a life time change.  I will not only not say No - I will say Yes!!!    I make sure that he knows about my reaction the other night because it is not fair for me to behave that way without explanation.  I didn't blame him for anything, there was no attack, just a calm statement..  

You said earlier that he is a highly skilled, insightful counselor (at work!) but oblivious at home. I wonder if he just wants to relax at home and not be 'on'.  That is a certainly possible, but is it fair?  In a long term relationship it is okay to relax sometimes, but not okay to decide not to give your best effort.  I think it is more that it is easy to analyze others and harder to analyze yourself.  But my degree is in computer science so that is my unprofessional opinion.

I wonder if your view of him as 'oblivious' is maybe just an eensy bit... projecting? Okay so he is the counselor not me, I'm not totally up on projecting.  But I do know that he would rather ignore and hope it goes away.  He does not want to talk things out with me.  This makes it very hard for me as I end up talking and he stares at me, or leaves.  It isn't the healthiest way to deal with conflict.  Fortunately for us there isn't a lot of conflict, we are a pretty good match.

Keep up the great work!  Thanks I will.  Glad you found me, hope you come back and we can have more insightful conversations.  Hopefully from the rest of the blog entries you can see the total me, I'm not as ridiculous as that silly girl, but once and a while she comes out and I have to own her!