I'd like to buy a vowel

So this is a bit awkward ... I've lost my "O" and I can't seem to find it.  I am not sure if it is some sort of change in my body or if it is psychological.  I can tell you it is quite frustrating.

I did share this frustration with my husband and he suggested I talk with a doctor - but yeah I'm not there yet.

As a woman it is bad when you have lost even your ability to find your own happy ending.  I am in that place now and have been for a few months.

I can find that happy place with the help of toys - but would be nice to get back to being able to find it without something that is battery operated.

Now - don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean I don't enjoy sex with my husband.  I still find pleasure and still look forward to sex with my husband.  I just don't get the happy ending I used to.

Toys have been a novelty with us - not used often.  I may be entering a time when they need to become the norm and not the exception and I am not sure how I feel about that.  Here are a few issues:

• If you have been following my journey you know me as a woman who is still not exactly confident or comfortable with expressing my own needs.  Crazy that I can have this blog and be open and honest but then have trouble communicating that in real life.  So introducing toys on my own will be a struggle - in the past it has always been my husband that initiates the use of toys.
• In the past when I have tried to introduce toys -he had a reaction that really rubbed me the wrong way (no pun intended).  I wanted this to be something that I was bringing to the table willingly and it was like the prude came out in him.  On some level I think he may have been embarrassed that his wife was at a sex toy party and did that mean that he was not able to satisfy his wife, or it could just be that he is fine being kinky in the bedroom but really just wanted to keep that private.  For that second possibility I tried to engage him in shopping via catalog as a couple but he showed no interest in that either.
• My husband is very anti 50 Shades of Grey.  I read the series - haven't seen the movie, don't really see any point in seeing it if it isn't something I watch with my husband.  He has no issue with late night soft porn but totally scoffs at 50 Shades.  You would think a husband would take full advantage of his wife reading an erotic novel.

I do know that this is an issue I have to deal with so my plan is to grow a pair and pull out a toy and add it to the mix.  This is my sex life too - I have to take responsibility for my own pleasure.  I so crack myself up - already anticipating the internal dialogue that will go on probably tonight as I give myself a pre-sex pep talk.  Go Team!!

East Coast Tour

I had quite the busy week.  Traveled over 700 miles and went to 3 of my daughter's away games.  I saw her play in Pennsylvania, then in New York and finally in West Virginia.  Along the way I got to visit with my sister and her family, including my 1 year old great-nephew.

My sister and I paid a visit to the New Jersey State Archives in search of my grandfather's naturalization papers.  My uncle had been looking for these for years and found that my grandfather was in NJ when he was sworn in as a US Citizen.  Apparently he joined the US Army in Italy and became a citizen when he was in the US just before he shipped off to France.  He arrived in France the day before the war ended.  It was a cool find and so exciting,

My daughter and I got to spend the night with my Aunt and Uncle in NY before she had to be back at school for practice on Saturday.  She really enjoyed being spoiled by them.

I was away from home for 3 days and my husband was very happy to see me when I got home.  I was in some sort of odd mood when I got home - I just wasn't feeling it.  I knew that 'not feeling it' was not going to fly so I had a little internal dialogue and got past whatever it was that was messing with my mo-jo.  Happy to report that we had quite a romp that night, the next morning and the next night.

The morning after I got home I came to the realization that my odd mood was because my husband did not check in on me or seem at all worried about me on my trip home.  There was a pretty bad snow storm and it made traveling a bit tricky.  I asked my husband about it and he explained that he was under the impression that I was extending my trip due to the weather.  He said "you sent me a facebook message that said it was snowing and you were extending your trip until Sunday".  I was really confused until he showed it to me - it was a message that was more than a month old, it was from my trip to Vermont in February.  So two things I am taking from this.  Don't rely on facebook to communicate with my husband and try to be more aware of what little things are contributing to my mood and deal with them.  

I think I am blushing...

So I just went back and looked at earlier posts from October through December 2012.  So fun to read the posts and comments and remember how exciting this was for me.  Then I realized that some of the things I wrote about actually make me blush when I go back and read them.

In the years since I started this blog there are a few detectives that have found the real me - and there is my husband.  Nobody else knows who Mrs. Yes is and none of my close friends or family know about this blog.  I still pretty much have the ability to say whatever I want, to be BOLD and BRAVE.  But apparently I grew more bold as I blogged and got support from those in the blog world.  I don't feel as bold now, it will likely take some time to build that up again.

I do want to bring back that 'sassy tell it like it is' blogger.  But it isn't as easy as riding a bike - need to ease back into this.

This past weekend just flew by!  We were so busy that I missed national steak and blow job day (March 14th).  We will be rescheduling that holiday - possibly for March 16th.  I would have done it tonight but my husband is sick.  I know he is really sick because I made some of his favorite foods for dinner and he didn't eat anything!

I am headed out of town on Tuesday for a few days in NY to visit family and watch my daughter's team play a few games on the road.  I am so lucky to have a husband that understands my desire to drive all over and see her play.  I really hope he feels better soon because it stinks to have to run the household when you are sick.  I am also thankful that my son and daughter-in-law are living downstairs - I know that if my husband is sick they will step in and make sure that he can relax and recover while they look after the boys and the house.

Out of the Funk!!

We had two more snow days last week - but everything is melting and life is returning to normal.  We appear to be out of our sex slump and sunny days are ahead.  Seems that part of my funk may have been that my time of the month was sneaking up on me.  I don't track this in any way so I often miss the subtle signs until the not so subtle signs arrive.  Not that I want to take sole responsibility for the slump, but I do recognize my part in it.

So sex is back and so is the general touching and relating that had been missing outside of the bedroom as well.  When I look back at the latest funk or slump or whatever you want to call it I realize that it really takes no effort to break out.  Then my brain starts to really get into over analysis mode:

• Do I cause the funk
• Does he cause the funk
• Is it a mutual funk
• Is it just a natural low that is actually a good thing?

I get to the 'is this a good thing?' by pulling the good out of the situation (this is something that I came out of cancer with "finding the blessings even when life sucks")

• Breaking the funk always means great sex
• Being in the funk always makes me evaluate my roles and responsibilities in maintaining a healthy relationship and sex life
• I am secure enough in my relationship to recognize sometimes we just annoy the hell out of each other and that is okay. It doesn't have to be wonderful all the time.
• Even when it isn't wonderful it isn't terrible
• My sex life even in a funk is miles ahead of other couples that have been together for 27 plus years.

What do I really think it is:

• I think that sometimes we just get so busy with the other aspects of life that we don't take the time to put the energy in our relationship.  

Having said that I do realize how important it is to not let these slumps or funks go on for too long.  It is important to recognize when we are doing this and make sure that we do focus on us.  All the other aspects of our lives that require energy and attention will come and go, our relationship is a constant that we have to be careful not to neglect. 

In other news.  My 12 year old got his cast off and is back in action.  He took second in the regional recreational wrestling tournament over the weekend and was back on the mat for his middle school today and won his match by pin in the first period.   My daughter finally has her first lacrosse game tomorrow,  first four games were postponed due to snow.  It is supposed to rain all day but I am going to make the 3 hour trip to see them play and then take her out for a late birthday dinner.

Too late for spell check or any other proof reading so you will have to deal with my bad grammar and spelling!

Ugh

Okay - I would like a re-do on the last week or so.  Between the snow and ice and cancellations and my mood.  BLAH.

Trying to see the positives, I have a nice warm home, with my family, I have wine and food and the ability to work from home.

The negatives - I am cranky.

Everyone else in the house is either a student or an employee of the school system so they are off with nothing to do.  They are all stuck with me in my 'office'.

There were two nights in a row that I made dinner and brought it down into the bar area so we could watch a movie together.  We ate on paper plates so mess was minimal.  My husband carried the serving dishes up when the movie was over and put them in the kitchen.  He didn't clean them up - he just left them on the counter.  It was early when he went up, 8 one night and 9 the next, both nights he just left them there for me and went to bed.  He didn't bother to wash them or throw them in the dishwasher.  The first night I was annoyed, the second night I was bitter.  I did let him know how annoyed I was and message was received, he helped clean up dinner the third night.

Sex has been non-existent, and that probably leads to the crankiness for both of us.  He has been in bed snoring way early and then last night his sleep schedule must have been all screwed up because I went to bed at 11:30 and fell asleep before he came in.  He slept in this morning - no school due to weather but I had to get out of bed for early meetings.

I'm honestly not feeling it tonight - I am just feeling bitchy - but I will make an effort a real effort. Even as I write this I am doubting my ability to go all in.  We need to break out of the funk so I need to get it done.

Out of Sync or in a Lull

Hello folks.

It has been a snowy cold few weeks here.  I did manage to sneak away for a fantastic ski trip to Killington with my youngest sons.  My sister rented a house and invited us up - I was just going to make a 3 day trip with my youngest son, but with snow in the forecast for the week I took my older son figuring he would be out of school anyway.

We ended up being able to stay 5 days because snow at home had the schools closed the boys didn't miss a thing.  We stopped in PA on the way home to visit my daughter at college - ended up snowed in at my sisters house.

It was a great vacation - with some great sex when I got home after being gone for a week we were overdue!

But to be quite honest since being home and having that pretty amazing night of sex followed by a morning session we have been pretty out of sync.  It is times like this when I start to wonder if in our late 40s after being together for more than 27 years if we are slowing down - or if this is just a natural lull that will pick back up.  I of course am hoping it is a lull - I'm too young to be slowing down, hopefully I will always be too young to be slowing down.

This is one of the busiest times for us - boys are wrestling and playing basketball - there is practice every day.  

My daughter's season has started and so we are traveling to those games.  The days are short and cold. I think we are just exhausted and my husband is clued into the fact that sometimes I need sleep.  Unfortunately the nights I need sleep don't seem to be the same nights he needs sleep.

I honestly can't remember ever being refused by my husband so I know he is always ready when I am wanting to break out of the lull.

And to make me feel better about where I am in life and in my relationship all I need to do is look at what is going on around me.  My oldest son has a friend that is ending a 5 year relationship - they are 19 and 21 and they have had sex 2 times in 6 months.  The only time we had a track record like that is when my husband was serving on an air craft carrier in the Persian Gulf.

I am having a healthy glass of wine - it is only 10:15 and we are both still awake!  I predict some action tonight.  In fact there is the possibility of a two hour delay for school tomorrow which could mean some action in the morning as well.

So how about some totally of the subject feedback.  My daughter's first game is on Saturday - it is 4 hours and 8 minutes away according to Google and it will mean I miss my son's basketball game (I haven't missed one yet this season).  Do I go for it and head up to my daughter's game?  I am going to her game on Tuesday (that one is only 2 hours away)?

Happy Valentine's Day

Two post in one month - pretty good.

We don't really celebrate Valentine's Day.  Funny that we decorate a little bit - wonder if we will continue to do that when the kids are older?  We don't go out or do presents.  My husband did pick up some flowers and Hershey Kisses yesterday but that is not out of the norm.  Today was a normal Saturday for us, we cleaned and went to watch the little boys play basketball.  After the game it was home for dinner and a movie.

So since my last post I have been paying attention to my behaviors and have been emotionally and physically available to my husband.  I'm glad that at this point just paying attention and being aware of the barriers I put up is all that I need to do to get back to where I want to be.

One thing I am noticing is that I am quick to communicate when I am not happy about something and not as quick with compliments.  So my goal for this month is to complain less and compliment more. I'm afraid this won't be as easy to accomplish - but maybe I will surprise myself.

I'll check back next week to report on my progress!